How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules to Stay Safe Shopping on Amazon (and other such websites)

So I've finally done it, haven't I? With the power of my lists, I've scared you off the whole "going outside" bit but you still have more stuff to buy. What do you do?

You throw more money at the richest man in the world, of course, and order stuff off Amazon. Hey, no shade from me - my prime student membership got me through college at my alma mater in the middle of absolute nowhere. Sometimes, it's the only real option (aside from braving Walmart, which, as previously discussed, has its own issues). Either way, being online doesn't mean there's safety.

If you came of age in the internet era, your parents probably gave you similar talks as my mother did with me: the web is full of creeps, don't give out your location, and anything on the internet is forever. All that is still true. What I'm here to tell you about is the less mundane dangers of online shopping.

Although the title is staying safe on Amazon, these rules apply on the internet in general, but particularly on marketplace-type websites like eBay, Wish, AliExpress, Etsy, and so forth. Wherever you browse, here's how to stay safe!

Check the location the item is being shipped from. If you don't know where that is, google it. If you can find it, that'll help you estimate how long it'll take to arrive. If the location doesn't seem to exist, don't order the item-things from other realms or Pockets of space-time are unpredictable.
1a. Related: if the box went through nonexistent places to get to you (yay tracking), do not open it. If you must open it, do so in a well-lit place and not alone.
1b. Also, if the delivery is listed on the estimated arrival isn't real ("32nd of Novembuary at 26:24") neither is the package. Hopefully.

It's no secret the pictures don't always match the reality. Don't be afraid of the return policy. If they sent you the egg-laying frog-cat when you ordered a cutesy frog statute, you can damn well send the back the demon thing.

Repeat after me: there is no such thing as one size fits all. There is no such thing as one size fits all. There is no such thing as one size fits all.
3a. At best, you'll get a return and refund and that's annoying.
3b. Most likely, you won't bother with the refund and be stuck with an ill-fitting garment.
3c. Worst case scenario, it IS one-size-fits-all, but it will warp you to fit it.

Reviews are your friend, in general, for a variety of reasons. Does the item run small, run big, run away with your family? Does it bite back? Is it safe for children? Are children safe for it? Sometimes the universe gives you a freebie in the form of a disgruntled shopper elsewhere-take the damn hint.

If the price you have to hit to get free shipping keeps changing, it's either a scam or a demon is screwing with you. Both are bad.

Make sure you understand the dimensions of the product you're ordering, including understanding the units. It's one thing to convert from metric to imperial, but from Cthulus to pounds? Circles of Hell to meters?

Knockoffs can be very dangerous for a variety of reasons-unknown ingredients, sketchy assembly-lines, and cursed products. Make sure you read the whole description.

You know that thing Amazon does that's deal of the day, and sometimes it's just TOO good? Beware of that. Why are they trying to offload this $1000 thing for $50?

If your package arrives burnt, throw it away and undertake rituals to cleanse your home spiritually.
9a. Same goes for soggy packages with no explanation.
9b. Packages with strange scribblings should be burned immediately.
9c. If the package is much hotter or colder than its surroundings, this is also a bad sign.

Sometimes little freebies or samples get thrown in with your order. Safety rules still apply.

Browser extensions that check coupons and price track are great. If a product sends your extension haywire, however, strongly reconsider your purchase.

If there's text on the item, zoom in and read what it says. This goes double if it's in another language.

Beware used CDs, USBs, and other media-holding devices.