How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Surviving Pet Shops

So now that you've gotten your groceries, acquired new wheels just in case, swung by Walmart, and gotten some comfortable chairs, you're probably in for a bit. Well, there's actually one more thing: acquiring a companion for your home, some sort of critter that will love you no matter what and not judge you for being business-on-top-and-sweatpants-on-bottom.

So you find yourself looking for a pet. While I could blither on about the ethics of adopt-don't-shop, the reality is that some of you are still going to get a "dog" or "cat" at the pet shop, but even if you don't you have to get food and other supplies somewhere. Given that around two-thirds of Americans have pets, you most likely need pet food, toys, and supplies, beyond just buying the actual critter. Pet shops, much like Walmart, are weird places in their own right, but I'm going to tell you about the less mundane reasons they're dangerous.

In general, I'd attempt to dissuade you from buying a giant talking bird because of how difficult their care is and how long they live (some upwards of a century), but also more specifically because lots of big birds in pet shops have mastered the art of absorbing humans as they absorb our languages.

Ethical issues with breeding aside, it's the norm for pet stores to have specific breeds. Cutesy, standardized, recognizable breeds. Finding a big lovable mutt with odd qualities at a shelter makes sense. Finding a giant slobbering dog with weird eyes at a for-profit store is a bad sign.

There are some exotic pets at pet stores these days. If you've never heard of a particular creature before, that's your cue to not take it home. It's preferred diet may be untenable.

Speaking of exotics, strongly reconsider getting an animal that would also be a food animal for you. Unless you're really good about differentiating "food animals" versus "companion animals" it can get real weird real fast.

Lizards. Don't. Talk. If one starts, it's time for you to go.

Check the ingredients on your pet food. Make sure it's not cannibalism (i.e. chickens in your chicken feed), this is an excellent way to drive your living critters mad.

Don't tap on the fish tanks. It's rude, and while you think they have no recourse, that's not 100% true.

If you do have a, shall we say, unusual pet, you need to find an appropriate crate/carrier/cage. If you didn't think you had an unusual pet but you're suddenly seeing all sorts of bizarre guarantees on carriers, that means one or more of your pets has special abilities. Talk to the staff, follow their recommendation on which one to buy.

If such a crate mysteriously appears in your home and no humans in your house know where it came from, leave and don't come back. Your cat thinks you're its pet with special abilities and this will not end well.

If the turtles start running, so should you.

Pet shop owners are usually pretty eccentric, at least for small ones. Most of them are pretty nice, so if you're in a little shop and want to, they'll probably show you some unusual pets. Do so at your own risk.

There a lot of strangeness on the floor of a pet shop. Don't touch any of it.

If you leave with any inexplicable wounds (bite marks, scratches) you now have a huge problem.