How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Surviving Bars

So it's been a bit of a day. Perhaps you've been out shopping and now you really need a drink - maybe you're a parent or teacher who was at a school cafeteria earlier. Beer is nearly as old as civilization itself, if not older - maybe you saw something else older than civilization and desperately wish to unsee it. In any case, you find yourself meandering down to some sort of alcohol-oriented establishment, whether it's a honky-tonk, cocktail bar, a speakeasy, or a sports bar.

1. There are lots of different kinds of bars - look upon your Personal Oracle (you know, the one in your pocket or handbag) before you go so you can dress and behave to blend. Besides the fact that overdressing for the local gritty dive bar or underdressing for the upscale and bogglingly expensive specialty cocktail place will get you mundane attention you aren't looking for, it also risks supernatural attention you don't need. 

2. Tipping is a good idea, on the whole. It's good manners, it means you are more welcome if you return, and in supernatural cases, is good for ensuring you can return, (meta)physically. Much like waitresses at old-timey diners, something about bartending attracts a lot of Others. 

3. Trying new drinks can be good. It's frequently fun. Just make sure you are ordering off the right menu - don't be afraid to use your Personal Oracle or ask the bartender for recommendations or what is in that drink with the schnazzy name. 

4. I'd also advise, regarding menus, that not all liquors are for you. I don't care how much of a heavyweight you are (or think you are). You cannot handle Whiskey But For Orcs and you definitely can't handle fairy wine. 

5. At the risk of creating an attractive nuisance, I'm going to tell you that some of the, erm, attractive nuisances at the bar are not quite human - in the dim lights and after a double, it's quite difficult to see the sharpness of teeth, the flash of fur, the swish of a tail. So if you are looking for trouble, a bar might be the place to find more than one kind. 

6. Lots of bars have weird decor. If there are mounted animals, license plates, wall of shame, or fake IDs, and you see your name or picture or number on an empty plaque, it's time to leave. Immediately. 

7. I'm not telling you not to stay till closing time. I'm just saying you should be vigilant in doing so - you never know who or what is closing with you. 

8. Dancing is a normative part of going to a bar. I encourage you to dance, really. If all the other dancers suddenly circle around you and begin to spin you or push you about without warning, this is a bad sign. Especially if the other dancers are devastatingly beautiful and seem to glow in the neon lights. 
Relatedly: if the dance suddenly switches to an older style and everyone's clothing is suddenly different, this is a really bad sign. You might say you're not in Kansas anymore, but the issue is less space, more time. 

9. There's also probably music to accompany the dancing. Also great. If the music suddenly switches to a low hum, random animal noises, or a ritualistic chant, it's time to leave. If the chant has your name in it or it's in a language unfamiliar to the area, it's probably too late. 

10. Generally, you don't want to be in a bar fight. You really don't want to be in a bar fight with someone who is only mostly human, and you most definitely don't want to be in the same room as two mostly humans fight, much less in between them. 

11. I know paying a cover charge is annoying, but it's not always about the band. Sometimes it's about the bouncer keeping away something that is much scarier than paying $7 at the door. 

12. Have a designated driver or call a cab. Becoming a Bar Ghost is WAY less fun than it sounds. 

13. A lot of older bars have weird doors and windows. This can be cool and fun. If you glance back and the door or window is different, don't open it. It'll be a bender you won't come back from.