How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Surviving Bookstores

We live in a digital world, and I suppose if you really want to, you can circumvent the bookstore altogether. There's a particular irony to me explaining all these rules via the internet,  but here we are. Depending on your tastes, it's incredibly easy, in theory, to opt-out of physical books. There are approximately a bazillion reading apps for all sorts of books and book-like things - mainstream books, free books, out-of-print books, self-published books. Music is the same way, although record shops have largely disappeared in a way book shops haven't. Despite the options to the contrary, you very much still can purchase from a bookstore, and honestly, I'd encourage it-Amazon recommendations just aren't the same as being told what to buy from a grizzled old merchant while a bookstore cat rubs up against you. With that in mind, there are definitely some rules for staying safe, and all of the following extra applies to used book shops and small ones over the big, soulless corporate wonderlands.

Lots of bookshops have cafes in them. This is great, but also usually a strong hint to not bring foodstuffs into other zones - the building itself may object when your caramel frap gets on a pile of travel guides from the '70s.

If you buy a book and weird stuff happens, and you go to return it and the store isn't there anymore, it's your problem now.

Lots of old books can lead to weird stuff happening. The good news is that booksellers usually have to disclose this before you buy, although they can be incredibly cryptic in their warnings.

If you spend enough time in old bookshops, you'll encounter something you can definitely make a lot of money recording and reporting on. Don't. It's their space, and beyond it just being unkind, it will bite you in the long run.

Bookstores are a good place to look for supranatural trouble. I say "good place" because there's relative control over different levels of intensity and danger and the ability to get a local human guide. If you're a recognizable regular at a local shop and chat with the employees, eventually you'll get an offer to see something good. This can be quite the adventure, but you have to trust your guide in this journey. When they say hide, hide. When they say be quiet, shut up. When they say it's time to go, and not to go any further, for the love of god, it's time to go.

Another option for trouble-seekers is befriending the bookstore ghosts. Most old shops have them and most are actually relatively benign. Just be a regular and have a genre or two that you really like, and if they're a ghost attached to that genre they'll sit down for coffee or strike up a conversation.

Just remember that ghosts aren't full humans anymore. That's why I sometimes call them Others (along with mostly-human things in general), because they don't usually have the full spectrum of human emotion, thought, and experience. Others aren't fully rational because they're missing something - in ghost's case, it's often part of their complex decision making facilities they possessed while alive. They may fixate or doll out disproportionate justice while seeking out to resolve unfinished business, or fulfill any oaths they may have. Don't take it personally and don't be afraid to run like hell.

Books are great because you can immerse yourself in a new world. Don't go too far, because you may never be able to come back. Do you really want to be stuck in the fourth Harry Potter book forever?

Time works differently in books. You're in the wrong place, so you'll age wrong. It's also difficult to progress the story. The canon is basically set in stone, so there are some actions the in-universe won't let you take. The sequels may or not be connected universes to traverse, depending on the quality of the writing and other factors. Basically, it can be fun to visit, but you don't want to actually live there.

If the nice bookseller dusts off an old tome that's been there forever, politely ask where it came from. If at all possible, ask how it was unsold for so long.

Be nice to the bookstore cats, but DO NOT let them outside. Doing so will at best result in the collapse of the store. At worst, you've released the beast.

If you think it's bound with a strange material, ask before you buy. If it looks like leather but unidentifiable, ask before you touch.

The basement may actually be never-ending. No shame in popping out titles selectively, or leaving chairs out, to discretely leave a path to leave. If you can't figure this out, don't get out of sight of the door.