How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules to Stay Safe in the Hardware Store

So now that you've got a pet, some books, and food, you're probably intending to hunker down for a bit. But you look around at your new and not-so-new-but-nonetheless-chic furniture, and realize something: you've got some home improvement to do to accommodate all your cool new stuff! So you head down to the hardware store, in hopes of finding some tools, materials, and advice. You may get a little more than you bargained for - that's why I'm here to tell you how to stay safe while there.

If a tool you don't recognize is glowing, leave it. It's somebody else's quest item and interference never ends well.

If you pick up a tool, or buy it, and it starts glowing, that's you're quest item. Take it - avoiding never ends well.

If you find yourself carving or burning strange creatures into wood without intending to, stop carving immediately. Burn the carving, and if possible, the tools.

If you're a regular at the hardware store, they'll eventually show you blueprints for some really weird stuff. It's most safe to decline the blueprints. If they insist and your gut says not to piss them off, I recommend that you take the blueprints, but roll them up somewhere locked. Do not burn them - the manager will know.

If you hear hardware noises in the backroom, don't open the door. Do. Not. Open. The. Door.

Floor models can be a great way to get cheaper version of the same thing. The downside is they are frequently cursed.

Lots of freaky things have hardware needs. The man with the full-face-hair-neck-and-chest mask is not someone you need to stare at.

You do not want to meet hardware store ghosts. They never had good endings. Don't seek them out.

If a pale blue girl claiming to be the owner's daughter asks you for help retrieving something from the shelf, help her, alert the staff, and leave immediately. Staying will end very badly.

If the lights flicker, the toilet flushes itself, and the door is funny, leave immediately. It's a hardware store presumably run by people who know about using tools - multiple issues with the building is a very bad sign.

Hardware stores don't sell dolls. Or at least they shouldn't be. Don't buy dolls from the hardware store.

The bargain bin at a hardware store is a profoundly dangerous place.

If you buy something and it acts strange, consult the manual before calling the store. They'll know if you don't, and won't help you.