How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules to Survive Dating Apps ("Shopping" for a new partner)

You've been doing a lot of shopping and are getting a bit lonely. You can have all the pizza and vintage clothing in the world, but what is life without love?

Maybe you just got dumped. Maybe you're perennially single anyways. Either way, you find yourself perusing the bizarre world of dating apps, "shopping" for a new partner (or temporary partner-no judgment here), perhaps in the interest of avoiding the aforementioned retail therapy. 

There's no shame in this, but it's definitely a weird place to be. Not that you're weird for trying it, in fact, you'll probably be the least weird person, place, or thing on the app! Beyond the vanilla-variety scammers and dead discussions, there are all sorts of dangers to be had on dating apps! I'm here to warn you about some of the *magical* experiences you should avoid today.

1. Make sure the app you're using is for you. This is common sense for mundane reasons (because why would you be on CanadaDateMeetTonight if you're not in Canada or InsertLanguageHereDate if you don't speak said language), but also because you don't want to end up on a blind date with a gorgon because you decided to try MonsterMatchMeetUp or whatever.

2. There are also dating apps for deceased humans. If you find yourself on one, it's probably too late. You'll know when you start seeing very dead people as possible matches.

3. I get that you want to get to necking. Just make sure the other person or person-like Being is on the same page as you as to what that means.

4. Some apps are free. Some apps are paid. Many are free but push you to purchase the paid version. You probably know this going in. Just make sure it's a regular currency you're paying with and not your soul or your firstborn.

5. Don't "forget" your wallet at home so you date has to pay. It's rude AF for mundane reasons, but if you do it to the wrong Being, you might find yourself paying with something else (see #3).

6. If you say you're going to bring food on the app, bring the food. Your date will expect to consume something and will have your assent (as far as they're concerned) in writing.

7. You can't ghost a Fury. Trying is a bad idea. Ask Orestes how that worked out for him. Eris isn't known for taking it well either.

8. If your date has multiple heads, be sure to acknowledge each one, even if you're only a date with one.

9. If their pictures are all blurry but strangely enticing, almost like you can hear a beautiful tune, this is a bad sign.

10. There are a lot of scams on dating apps. Most just want money or followers. Some, on occasion, are trying to get "followers" in a very different, permeant sense.

11. It's not a race. If you find someone you're connecting with, don't immediately request, shall we say, personal photos. They might send you some images of their true form, and those you cannot unsee.

12. If you do a zoom date (we heart pandemic safety here), and your date doesn't appear on camera when they should, that is a bad sign.

13. In a likely misguided attempt to impress you, a potential suitor on an app may regale you with tales of their past lovers. This is not only tacky, but a very bad sign if they use phrases like "just disappeared" and "turned to dust" and "ran off as a horse" to describe all of them.

A/N I originally wrote this as a Valentine's Day special last February.