How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules For The School Cafeteria

So for whatever godforsaken reason, you find yourself in a school cafeteria. Maybe, bless your heart, you're a middle or high school student, so getting lunch somewhere a little more fun, like a candy shop,  is out of the question. Maybe you're a parent, or maybe you even work at the cafeteria, or maybe you're a teacher who forgot their lunch, whoops. In any case, school cafs are a weird place, and you definitely want some guidance going in, even if you'd rather be literally anywhere else for lunch. 

1. Most cafeteria workers are human. Hell, you might even be a human cafeteria worker reading this, but be assured that an unusual proportion of your coworkers are mostly human, which is entirely different. Be nice to caf workers - offend the human ones and you risk your food, offend the nearly human ones and risk your life. 

2. Paying in exact change is your friend. You don't want to use a card here - that's eminently trackable, but not the worst option. You might think the worst option is cash and getting back change covered in what is at best sweat and at worst otherworldy ectoplasm, but actually paying by check is the worst option because the only thing worse than giving the fae your name is giving them your name in writing. 

3. I know there are strange scratches in the tables from years yonder. Don't try and track the patterns. Many good men, women, and children have been lost to the scratches on the table - they go deeper than you think. 

4. Similarly, the tables and chairs have odd stains and substances sticking to them. If the stain gets bigger when you bleach it, leave it be - you won't win. If the "gum" doesn't come off with the scraper and the chemicals, it's not gum. 

5. If the creaky chair sounds less like creaks and more like shrieks, find a new chair. 

6. School cafeterias are in, well, schools. Schools have, well, schoolchildren. The children will be mostly human as well, but if you see little pale blue children, or children whose teeth are a little too long and sharp, or who forgot to tuck in their tails or wings, be nice but don't tell them your full name. Especially not the winged kiddos. 

7. If you attempt to leave the cafeteria, and can't get any of the doors open, you have a problem. 

8. If you can get the door open but the hallway doesn't look quite like the school, but looks like an older version, you have a big problem. 

9. If there's a walk-in freezer, always leave a doorstop in when you're inside - walk-ins lead to...strange places. 

10. If you go to grab a bag or can of something, whether you're purchasing from a rack or pulling from a stockroom, and it doesn't budge or feels it's pulling away, perhaps it's best to let it be. It may have been left for someone else. 

11. The lunch trays should be fairly standardized. If one of the trays looks too old or smells weird or has chunks missing, pick a different one. 

12. Knowledge is power - if you don't know what's in the mystery slop, ask. If you can't recognize what the ingredients are, google it. If the internet doesn't know, don't eat it. 

13. A well-run caf will know all of the tools it has. If a duplicate has suddenly appeared with no explanation and it's in too-good condition, especially if it's a knife or appliance with sharp implements, don't touch it.