How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Surviving Cafes

Perhaps you're a college student. Maybe you're a mom on the go or a busy professional. You might even be a 16-year-old who just learned to drive. Honestly, you could be anyone and find yourself at a cafe. Cafes are interesting places because you'll see all sorts of people. Of course, like every other place I've covered so far, cafes have rules too, and not just of the "tip the barista and recycle your cups" sort. I'm here to tell you about the less mundane rules, and the not-quite-human sort you'll oft find at cafes.

The rules for cafes in general, as a customer:

1. While secret-enchantress types tend to be diner waitresses, siren sorts often end up as baristas. Flirt at your own risk-they already have your name.

2. Many up-and-coming witches, wizards, and warlocks also start at the coffee shop because of all the mixing, chemistry, and precision involved in complex drink orders. They usually aren't at the spell-casting point yet (or are specializing in potions anyway), but I'd still be nice.

3. A good way to get cursed is by sliding in two minutes before closing time with a very complex order.

4. Yes, time does work differently at cafes, particularly small little hole-in-the-wall types.

5. Weird stuff happens on the second floor of a cafe. Even weirder stuff happens in the basement.

6. Yes, name misspellings are super common. But it may actually be a bless in disguise - most baristas aren't witches and most of them who are don't know complex scary spells yet, and misspellings mean they aren't accidentally practicing on you.

7. Don't be an outlet hog. If you need four damn outlets, bring a power strip. There are a variety of spirits and Beings that will take great offense to outlet hogs.

8. It's nice to be a regular at a particular cafe. They know your order, they chat with you, they usually get your name right, and they show you the really cool/bizarre/freaky magic stuff they keep in the back.

9. You know what black coffee with no milk or sugar should taste like, even with the differences varieties of coffee might bring. If it's crazy sweet or sour, something is wrong. Contact management immediately.

10. Everybody knows that headphones in, laptop or book out, and sitting in the corner means "leave me alone." Everybody except the not-quite-human. If several Beings approach you, or worse yet, stare at you when you're clearly in "not talking to humans mode" it's time to leave.

11. Related: don't approach people who clearly want to be left alone. They may not be human and they won't like the interruption.

12. A lot of first dates happen at cafes. A lot of suprantural meetups that look like dates also happen in cafes. If one or more of the people on the date look not-quite-human, don't interfere. It's a test or a quest of some sort - you don't want to be involved.

13. If you're getting food to go, check your order is correct before you leave. This is for obvious mundane reasons and because if there's some not-so-mundane in your bag, you leaving the premises will be interpreted as assent to the deal/ownership of whatever spooky thing.