How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules to Survive Used Car Lots

So perhaps you've been running around, making good use of my advice and your car broke down for mundane reasons, or perhaps you didn't quite listen to the rules and a griffin gobbled your ride outside a grocery store or an Axehandle Hound followed you to the parking lot from a flea market and wrecked your transmission, somehow.

Either way, you need new wheels. If you can afford a new car in this economy, congratulations on being rich-or being willing to pay interest. Even if you have the money or don't mind the bigger payment plan, maybe you might prefer older/proven models and/or harbor a distrust for smartcars and other vehicles hooked up to the internet. Maybe you've got a teenager and would prefer their inevitable rendezvous with a deer or a particularly steep curb be while they're in a cheap, pre-dented car. Perhaps you have a fun, flashy car, but need a grunt work van for camping.

There's are lots of reasons it might happen, the bottom line is that you find yourself needing to go to used car lots.

However you end up there, you don't need me to tell you that a used car lot is rife with all sorts of mundane dangers, physical, legal, and financial. What I am here to educate on, is the supranatural risks you run.

Keep track of which sales associate (isn't that a nice way of putting it) you are dealing with. Constant hand-offs are scammy anyways, but a lot of used car salesmen ended up cursed to remain in their position. The deals they offer are much worse than a 27.99% APR. For the love of all that is good and (un)holy, read before you sign.

Some cars come with ghosts. Isn't that fun? What's even more fun is many of them have really strong opinions about your driving skills. The Others that inhabit the cars are usually benevolent, but surprise-1950s-opinions can go real south, real fast.

If the cars seemed to have all shuffled around to different spots when you come back the next day, they have. This usually means that the bad energy is so strong it jumbled the order. Leave.

Run a vehicle history report. For obvious mundane reasons, but also because sometimes the universe gives you a freebie and the previous owners listed the Beings that inhabited/haunted the cars. Same goes for service records-if they're available, at least skim them.

Test the radio works before you buy it. You might end up with some really weird stations otherwise.

Check the tires. You need to do it anyways, and it's a very common part to be cursed. I imagine this because they're visible, have a clear and vital purpose, and very pronounceable for the person (place or thing) casting the curse.

Read the warranty and return policies of the dealership. If they have anything twinging of the supernatural, then take the hint the universe is handing you.

Count and double-check all the numbers, units, and zeroes in your contract. You thought you were signing for 60 months, but it's actually 600 millennia. This is a problem.

Test. Drive. The. Car. I don't know why anyone wouldn't try before they buy anyways, but this is a good way to see if the car's ghosts, or if the spirit of the car itself, rejects you.

Don't be bamboozled or bullied by salespeople. It's okay to bring a friend or relative who knows about cars with you. Lots of tricks, mundane and otherwise, really only work with focus on one person at a time. If a Being has its sights on you, your wing(wo)man can help.

Lots of used cars have dings and scratches. This is okay (and sometimes for the best). However, if the dings and scratches form words or recognizable symbols, this is not okay and for the best.

The hood popping itself "randomly" is a very bad sign.

If the car has a clicker, it is VERY important that you don't lose it.