How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Surviving a Laundromat Trip

They say that death and taxes are inevitable, and I suppose that's true, but I propose adding a third category of penultimate inevitabilities: laundry.

Depending on where in the world(s) you might be reading this from, laundry might be something you do at home by hand, at home in a basically-magic machine, or perhaps even something you send off to some skilled soul to wash, dry, iron, and fold for you. Another option is a magic machine that is not your personal machine and is found perhaps in a communal laundry room or a paid laundromat. For my comrades in communal laundry situations (be it private or public), this is a list for you.

1. Pay attention to what the tags on your clothing say. Do you wash at 85 degrees, 120 degrees, or hotter than the gates of the seventh hell? Do you wring the clothing or does the garment wring you? Does it need to be ironed, or simply washed with a sense of irony?

2. Dry clean only, is, in fact, annoying AF. Laundering something dry clean only through a washer, however, can have disastrous results well beyond a ruined garment.

3. Relatedly, if the object is hang dry only, you want to make sure it hangs - if for no other reason than to ensure that's all that hangs.

4. If you live in an apartment complex that always seems to have 10/12 dryers out of order, it might be tempting to think perhaps they've simply cheaped out on dryers, or that residents are always breaking them. These are real possibilities, but it's also possible that the room is...unsettled in its own right.

5. As I've explained in previous chapters, not all clothing is for you. If you're doing your own laundry, it's unlikely this is the case for anything you're dealing with. But if you find yourself handling somebody else's laundry (i.e to dump it out on the table, because it's been sitting in the dryer for 27 hours) and it burns, or is ice cold to the touch, or rapidly changes sizes, drop it immediately. Do not make spellbound clothing your problem.

6. If you are doing someone else's laundry for them and strange (or profoundly outdated) coinage falls out, put it back in their pockets.

7. Don't steal towels or other people's laundry. There are all sorts of mundane reasons not to do this - hygiene, towels are like $2 at big box stores, basic human(ish) decency. It's also a bad idea because Beings and Mostly-Humans sometimes have pre-cursed clothing, and those who don't will likely curse their towels after incident 2 or 3.

8. If the laundromat doesn't take your currency, leave. Immediately. If it's not too late.

9. Regardless of what you've learned about photographing beings, this is not the time for it if you find them disheveled or in their schlumpy clothes. You might be thinking of how much money or clout you might get from a photo of a vampire under the weather, or a grim reaper in their combinations, but I urge you consider instead what the cost might be.

10. This is, however, generally a safe space to converse with those who are close-but-no-cigar to humanity. For those with...jobs...they're generally off-duty. It's just not a place the sentient sorts on the hunts, so if they're willing and able to talk it's safe as long as you follow the common-sense rules.

11. Common-sense rules: don't give your name (answer with "you can call me" as opposed to "name"), don't touch Them, don't ask questions you can't handle the answers to, and don't make deals. Also: remain aware of the possibility of less sentient sorts, as this safety only applies to those coherent enough to be cognizant of anything other than hunger or anger.

12. Bleach removes a multitude of sins, both of the stain sort and the metaphysical. If it doesn't come out after a bleach round (for that which, blessedly, can be bleached), consider that perhaps you can't get it out. For a stain that can hide, this isn't too much a problem. For something more esoteric, this is a real problem.

13. If you're washing a hand-me-down of great importance, follow grandma/mom's/uncle's/weird cousin's instructions exactly. Call the oldest member of your family who does laundry if you screw up. Immediately.