How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Surviving the Ice Cream Shop

So you've stumbled out of the bar, survived Valentine's Day (maybe), had a good road trip, and feel like what would really solve all your woes (aside from retail therapy) would be a trip to the ice cream shop.

As whimsical as the ice cream shop may be, it is by no means free of dangers. Here's how you can survive.

1. There is a critical difference between a brain freeze warning, a freezing brains warning, and a frozen brains warning. The former is just ice cream. The second, however, warns that you're to become the latter.

2. Relatedly: there is a Big Difference between "waffle cone" and "waffling cone" - the latter might have you waffling between this world and the next.

3. By all means, add chocolate, caramel, raspberry, fudge, or whatever syrup to you want, but be cautious of "fun" syrup names that include oddly specific locations, improbable ingredients, or unnecessary verbs.

4. Don't stick your hands all over the ice cream case. It's poor form, creates unnecessary work for the staff, and might leave you a little colder a little longer than you were prepared for.

5. Nobody likes dropping their ice cream, it's a nuisance in of itself. If the ice cream slips into the floor as easily as it slipped off your cone, however, that's beyond a nuisance and it's time to leave.

6. Some older ice cream places are very possible with Mostly Humans and other such Beings. Don't stare at other patrons - the icy glare may be more than you can bear. Do your best to keep the pallor out of the parlor.

7. There is a number of samples you can get before it becomes tacky and nearby Beings with strong opinions on both manners and frozen good take notice.

8. Do NOT conflate ice cream, frozen yogurt, and gelato while in a shop that sells any of them.

9. As with other locations that may have a theme, ice cream shops stylized to resemble another decade may or may not have leaks into the when they were inspired by. All the usual cues about sudden shifts in music, decor, and staff behavior as warning signs still apply here.

10. While most places will let you get a sundae any day of the week, respect any policies on seasonal flavors and toppings. It's, well, just trust me on this one.

11. Ice cream can totally be cursed - although much like the treat itself, flavors vary.

12. If you're grabbing a prepackaged treat from the freezer, make sure not to leave it open. It may be more than just cool air that gets out.

13. If there's an "everything but the kitchen sink" flavor, I implore you this: don't try ordering the kitchen sink with it.