How to Survive Shopping (Ruleshorror)

13 Rules for Shopping For Halloween Costumes

A/N This is a Halloween special. Happy spooky season!

Although you won't find it titled as such on your calendar, spooky season is really the best. I unironically love fall, pumpkin pie, bats, ghost stories, horror movies, and cheap candy as much as I love writing shopping guides. Maybe you celebrate by trick-or-treating. Maybe you're going bar-hopping and need a costume, maybe you have a house party. Maybe you just want to be the most fun person at Walmart, I don't know your life.

In any case, you need a costume. This is how to survive finding one.

1. Yes, it is suspicious that the Halloween stores pop up of nowhere. Where do they go the rest of the year? It's um, not a good place. Don't hang around in the store when it's shutting down for the season. I promise you don't want to go with it. 

2. A lot of costumes you'll find online and at costume stores are off-brand. Is that a Disney princess? No, of course not. That's Darling Original No Trademark Blonde Lady And Mice Evening Magic Ensemble Princess, of course. Just make sure the costume doesn't spell out a weird acronym or have spells in the name. 

3. The faux vampire teeth go in your mouth. If they affix to your neck and you can't get them off, you have a big problem. 

4. Lots of costumes have capes. I love capes. If it's tightening itself around your neck, it doesn't love you. 

5. f a costume is marked waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the hell down and it's spooky season, don't you think there's a reason? 

6. It's well-known that spooky season is a time when mostly-humans and things are nowhere near mostly-human hang around humans because it's easier to blend. This is true, and it's still true at the costume shop. Be careful - you don't want to ruin a vampire's first Halloween in decades. 

7. Relatedly, if you see another customer at the costume shop paying in strange currency, don't comment on it. You don't want to make yourself part of the transaction. 

8. Most costumes aren't returnable. Read the warranty anyways - you want to be sure it's just a costume and you aren't knockoff Antman forever (where do you think superhero impersonators in Vegas and NYC come from). 

9. Sometimes costume accessories have vague names when you order them online. What is "the darkness" or "fairy essence" anyways? In most countries, they legally have to disclose on packaging what the stuff is made of - if they don't, major red flag. 

10. Lots of costumes involve weapons of some sort. Aside from the fact you may be turned away from bars or parties, there's also the risk that it's not a costume piece. More weapons with less than stellar histories have been stashed in costume shops than you think, and more of those weapons than you'd think are linked to more supranatural affairs (and thus dangerous even to the touch, much less in how you might end up cursed). 

11. Fairies, angels, devils, and more involve wings. If the wings seem to shift away from you when you touch them, they're not yours. The best-case scenario after your purchase is that they part ways with you and you're out $15 and a piece of your costume, worst-case scenario they don't part ways and they take you with them. 

12. Some costumes are inflatable. This is super fun, but it is of critical importance you don't get lost in the space inside. 

13. If you're buying anything with words on it, make sure you can read the words before you try it on. If you can't and you're found wearing it by someone who can, it's not going to end well.