The Magnificent

XIX

The next morning at breakfast, Edmund was unusually quiet as the rest of us chatted lightly. Susan glanced at me with raised eyebrows. I gave her a you know exactly why he's acting like this look and she shook her head with a smile. Soon enough, we were all off to work again, the hallways filling with the usual sounds of happy voices. Lucy waved a small goodbye as Mr. Tumnus lead her away for her lessons with Mrs. Beaver while the rest of us disappeared one by one into the royal offices. It was then that I noticed my workspace was in-between Peter's and Edmund's. The magnificent on the right and the just  on the left. Why is it that everything in Narnia had to represent my involvement with both rulers? I was even between them in the throne room. 

Edmund stood by his door, peeking out like a small, curious child. I caught his deep brown eyes and it broke my heart to see the desperation that swam beneath the sun warmed surface. It took all I had not to rush to him, instead I walked to my office as if I hadn't seen anything. Shutting the door behind me, I slouched against it. My hands gripped my hair as I cursed myself for not saying anything. He didn't deserve this silent treatment, I had to do something. But what? It's not like I could walk up to him and say 'hey sorry I kissed you, I wish I hadn't'. Absentmindedly, I began to pace my room. Kicking my skirt out of the way as it dusted the floor. I was so deep in thought I didn't notice when someone knocked gently on the door and called my name. It wasn't until the visitor had a strong grip on my shoulders did I finally see who it was. 

"Y/n! What's wrong?" Peter tried to soften his voice but concern leaked through. "Nothing, I'm fine. Sorry." I tried to back away but he wouldn't let me. "You're crying." I froze. "Am I?" gingerly, I lifted my fingers lightly to my cheek, surprised to find that Peter was right. There were streaks of tears on my skin. "Oh my god." I breathed quickly wiping them away, ashamed that Peter saw me like this. I stepped backward, sniffing before I spoke. "Sorry about that. Did you need something?" Peter's eyebrows angled inwards, creasing his forehead as he watched me. The tears kept coming no matter how many times I tried to stop crying. "What is it?" Peter's voice was soft, genuinely this time as he tested the waters of my emotion. I pressed a hand to my forehead, not meeting his gaze as my vision was continuously blurred. "I-" I stuttered, hesitating to tell him, "It's nothing, it's fine. I'm fine!" As I shouted the last bit, my voice cracked. Making it embarrassingly obvious that I was most definitely not fine.

In this moment, it felt like the entire world crashed down on my shoulders. The weight of my responsibilities and feelings crushed me mercilessly. My breath began to speed up, rasping through my throat like winds through a desert. I leaned on my desk for support as everything was drowned out by my racing heartbeat pounding in my ears. The atmosphere around me went in and out of focus as I tried to calm down. From my head to my feet, everything was shaking. Peter called out to me but his voice was garbled and I couldn't understand him. A voice in the back of my head scolded me to pull it together. To show strength not weakness, but no matter what I tried it just got worse and worse.  

My hands crawled across the desk slowly. Pulling my sluggish body behind as I tried to get to my chair. Disoriented, I tripped on the carpet and collapsed onto the floor. Gasping for air like a fish out of water. Peter was on his knees by my side in a second, pulling me into his lap as he tried to calm my down. I could see his mouth moving, but no words nor the sweet sound of his voice reached my ears. I could feel his hands on my face, stroking my skin lightly while wiping away the remaining tears as he rocked back and forth. I felt like a small child as I curled into his side, something about his presence and his touch was calming in nature. 

I met his eyes finally as he stared down at me. The sight that had enchanted me from the day I met him soothed my panic bit by bit. The ringing in my ears began to quiet and I finally heard what he was whispering to me, "Hey hey hey, look at me. That's it, just like that. You're alright, I'm here." He tried to be calm but I could tell he was scared. His expression was pure concern as he stared at my small frame in his arms. He must've screamed for help because the door exploded open and Edmund rushed in followed by Susan. Edmund knelt down quickly across from Peter and his face twisted with anger. "What did you do?!" He shouted, glaring daggers at his older brother. "I didn't do anything!" Peter shouted back, his hands gripping me tighter. "Enough!" Susan joined the mix, calming walking over and reaching for me. Peter refused for a second but a stern look from his sister did the trick. She coaxed me off the floor gently and stood with her arm around my shoulders in the doorway. "Get a hold of yourselves." She hissed at her brothers before quickly escorting me to my room.

I found myself back in bed, with Susan sitting on the edge. I insisted I was fine but she would not have it. "It's clear that you need rest and time to think." She said softly, accepting a pitcher of water gratefully from Semestra. "Susan, I can work today!" I insisted, propping myself up against pillows. "Sure you could, but I'm not going to let you." She said sternly. "And neither am I, I'm staying with you today. Lucy will join us later, Mr. Tumnus has been informed of your predicament." She smiled and handed me a glass of water before making herself comfortable next to me. 

"So, you want to tell me what happened?" I sipped to cool liquid before speaking, "I guess I got anxious." Susan rolled her eyes, "It's the whole Edmund deal, isn't it?" I looked at my lap and nodded. "You have to tell him y/n! You can't live your life ignoring him! I've seen the way that he looks at you and if he truly cares, he'll respect your decision and move on as friends. I can't say the same for Peter though, he's defiant;ey going to have a harder time." She coaxed a smile out of me with the last line. "I saw him this morning Sue, he's sinking deeper and deeper into his old self because of me. When we reached Narnia he opened up, hell I think the first time I actually saw him smile was here and now," I recalled the look in his eyes as he peeked around the door, "I'm going to break his heart." I slouched, Susan knew that I didn't want to cause him pain yet it seemed to be the only option. 

She moved closer and put her arm around me again, "If Edmund knew that he was the cause of all this, he would do anything to stop it." She said, tracing my back lightly with her fingers, "I know it's hard, but you must do this. You're a queen and a warrior for goodness sake. I'm sure you can handle my brother." We both smiled a giggled lightly at her comment. "You always know what to say." I said kindly, leaning into my best friend. "Well someone around here has to know what the hell their doing." She laughed and suddenly, I was glad I got to spend the day with her instead of in my office.