The Spymaster's Assassin (An ACoTaR Fanfic)

Chapter 34

"Am I stupid?" I asked as I sat in the window seat and stared out at Velaris. We had sat in silence together on the bed for a while longer before I moved to the window seat. Azriel remained on the bed, laying still and staring at the ceiling.

"Why would you be stupid?" He asks dryly, a small smirk playing at his lips.

I rolled my eyes. "That's not what I mean. I feel like I run away too much. Like I scare off and get angry and sad too easily. I have no problem facing bad guys and fighting. I guess it's still from the Ring. But the second it becomes personal, I just run. And I don't know why I do it. It feels stupid."

"It's not stupid." He says and scratches at his chin. "It's not cowardly, either, so stop thinking that." He rolls over and props himself up on his elbow. "You're a lot like me. Your past haunts you. When personal stuff comes up and you don't know what to do, you retreat. It's a coping mechanism of a long-going trauma that hasn't been resolved in you."

"Yeah. My life hasn't been great." I said glumly and looked out at the city again.

"No it hasn't. It's been shit. And you're acting like a shit." He says and sits up. I turned to give a retort, offended, but he held up a hand. "Listen, Adrianna, my love. This is a lesson. A lesson in healing. I've helped you with your wings. They've improved and you can fly on your own now. Now, it's time to work on your mind. And your heart."

I looked at my hands and they clenched into fists. "Easy for you to say."

"Adrianna." He says again, his tone gentler this time and I looked up. "I was in a similar place as you. It was Cassian who pulled me out of it. And it doesn't get better and you don't heal if you don't face your trauma and deal with it. Slowly. Carefully. Intentionally."

I folded my hands in my lap and crossed my legs, my wings drooping slightly. "Muscles are one thing, Az. I don't know about the heart and mind thing."

"It doesn't have to be done quickly. Or even now. When you're ready. You make the mistake, my love, that wounds of the heart and mind can be healed quickly. Take your time. Be patient with yourself." He says gently and walks over and sits on the seat next to me, one of his hands resting over mine. His fingers laced through mine, and I held his hand tightly, lifting it up and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

"How?" I asked softly, my eyes misting with tears again. "How do I do that? I've killed so, so many people, Az. I've been tarnished and enslaved, lied to and abused. How do I get over that?" I hated that my voice was so broken and scared.

He lifted a hand to my face and tilted my chin up, and when I meet his hazel eyes with my brown ones, he said with such sincerity, "You won't be able to forget it. But you are here, my love, my mate, my partner. You are here because the Mother wills it. Whether you want to be or not. And I am thankful for you. I am proud of you." He smiled at me, his own eyes misting with tears. "And I know you'll heal, because you've helped to heal me. You've kissed me and held me when the nightmares came until I didn't suffer from them anymore. You chased them away. And when I was sad, you were there to smile at me and it melts away the pain. I heal every day, because I have you. And I see you go through so much, and only come out of it stronger. You inspire me to be a better man, Adrianna."

I smiled, tears sliding down my cheeks, but he kissed them away, arms wrapping around me and pulling me towards him. I threw my arms around his shoulders and stuffed my face into his neck. I lifted a hand to the back of his head and whispered, "I love you, Azriel. I don't even know if that word even describes how I feel about you."

His hands gently and soothingly rubbed my back. "And I love you, Adrianna. More than you could possibly imagine." He whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek once.