The Spymaster's Assassin (An ACoTaR Fanfic)

Chapter 20

Song- "Chances" by Backstreet Boys

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I remained still, my fingers curling around his shirt tightly.

His arms loosened around me a little bit. When I didn't move, his arms returned more securely around me, thumb brushing against my back gently.

"So Rhysand did banish him."

He looked at my curiously, so I explained to him about the confirmation of the letter from the servants at the old mansion and how Rhysand had banished him.

"He didn't tell me. He let me believe that Haven was murdered in such a terrible way. Mauled, with his chest ripped open. Let me live with that image for twenty years...and he had banished him. I don't know how he did it, being trapped my Amarantha, but...he let me live with that image. And I don't know if he's lied to me any other times. I want to trust him again, but I feel like a wedge has been shoved between us. Does that make sense? Am I being unreasonable? He's done so much for me. He doesn't have any ill intent, but he lied for me and kept that lie up for a really long time. Why make me see that, anyways?"

My fists clenched around his shirt tighter until my fingernails dig into my skin.

Azriel merely remained silent.

I moved my hands from his shirt and rested them on his sides where he had been stabbed and whispered. "It was really Haven? That did this to you? That you went to take care of while I was with Cassian and Jace at the camp and then at the mansion?" I looked up at him.

His eyes were filled with sadness and regret as he whispered, "Yes."

"Did...did you know, too? That he was alive? After all this time?" I whispered.

"Yes."

"Why...why did you let me believe that lie?"

"Because if you believed he was dead, he would have no more power over you. He wouldn't be able to hurt you."

"So you just let Rhys alter my memories? Believe that he was dead?"

"It was safer for you. I never wanted to lie to you, love, but it was a lot more than that." He said softly, scarred fingers fiddling with the sheets. He wouldn't meet my eyes.

I released his shirt and looked away from him down at my lap and whispered, "He wouldn't have hurt me."

He was quiet for a while. One of his scarred hands lifted like he was going to take my hand, but he dropped it onto the bed. "I'm so sorry, Adrianna."

I looked up at him and saw his eyes were glistening with tears. I reached up to hold his face in my hands and he leaned into my touch, closing his eyes, one hand resting on my thigh, the other holding one of my hands to his face and he turned his head and kissed the inside of my wrist.

"I'm sorry." He whispered again and a tear slid down his cheek. I tiled his face up and kissed his tear away and then I kissed his forehead.

"I love you, Azriel." I whispered.

His shoulders shook and his arms moved around me tightly as he pulled me closer to him and buried his face into my shoulder. I shifted to face him more and just held onto him, my fingers running through his hair. My heart broke as I felt him shudder a little beneath me.