The Spymaster's Assassin (An ACoTaR Fanfic)

Chapter 16

Song- "All of Me" by John Legend

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I sat next to Azriel, hip to hip, and stared at my hands. I had cleaned the blood off of them, but it felt like it was still there.

I had killed him quickly, unable to carry it out like I had the last time, and just sat in silence. His arm was around my shoulders and he said nothing, but I knew what he was thinking. I could feel it down the bond.

Why wouldn't I get that close with him?

I reached over and took his hand and gave it a squeeze and said softly, "You deserve an explanation."

He ran his scarred thumb over my knuckles. "About what?"

"Why...why I won't be as close with you as I was with the other two..." I clenched my jaw.

"Oh." He didn't let go of my hand and just looked to me, dark eyebrows drawn together in concern.

I leaned back against the headboard of the bed and he waited for me to speak. When I did, it was quietly.

"I've told you that my father wasn't the best man. Haven wasn't my first. In fact, I have been with many men. I guess I've always had the looks deemed desirable by other Illyrians. Bigger wings than other Illyrian females and red hair that isn't all that common. So, my father made a profit of that uniqueness by selling me off to spend nights at different male's homes and in their beds once a week. Sometimes more than one a night. He got a small fortune from it. They all wanted to 'try me out'." I clenched my jaw, eyes brimming with tears for a moment, then I closed them tightly. "When I meet Haven, I fell for him so hard because he was the first man in my life to not want to immediately bed me. The first one that didn't see me as an object to show off or a prize, but as his equal."

A small tear slid down my cheek. "He left the ring in my own private room for me to decide when I wanted to be married. Seeing as we were already betrothed, we only needed to set a date. He wanted me to test him out and choose. He gave me a choice and I chose him. His name seems ironic to me now. He was the haven I needed from the men around me who wanted nothing more than to get a chance to rip my clothes off. I didn't feel worthy in the slightest of him. I didn't deserve him. I was muddled and already used by so many that it wasn't worth marrying me off, but my parents saw it as a way to increase their wealth and when Haven quickly paid for my dowry and all that without hesitation, I was convinced I was going to die. Whether by my own hand or from use. 

"I was sick all the time and when I wasn't, I was with another man. I found it as a way to get into the camps. To learn to fly. To watch the warriors. To try and teach myself to fight. I was going to escape. And it would be before my father decided to give me to anyone else to have."

I looked at him and he meet my eyes solidly and without wavering. "Then, when I saw you for the first time in Haven's home, Azriel, and you just looked at me, and it wasn't with a look of desire or lust or anything else, but of welcoming, I couldn't stop thinking about you. The High Lord's Spymaster who didn't seem immediately desiring to bed me. The bond hadn't appeared to me yet, possibly because of my feelings for Haven, but I couldn't stop thinking about you. And when I was sinking into my depression and those shadows appeared, you called me out of them." I squeezed his hand tightly. "Azriel, that's happened to me before-drown in darkness- so many times, and no one- not even Haven- was able to get me out. And you have been able to. Every time."