a Big Mess of Weird Stuff

The year 2021

The 7th of February (a Sunday)

23.47

I got tea. For the first time in a while, I got actual tea about myself. I often have tea about others, not about myself.

I will tell you tomorrow because it is icy in my room and so it is hard to write with arms above the sheets because my arms and hands get really cold.

The 29th of March (a Monday)

13.59

Heyyy long time no see!

I know. I haven't been very active in writing this book, but my last quad was insanely busy. And yes, I know, I also have to tell you my tea. It will come soon. I have to tell the context I am in right now.

Today is the first day of my last quad of the first year, which sounds crazy because it feels like yesterday that I moved in here, walked to the terrace, and met my friends. I had a really nice but hectic and active spring break. We first cycled to Gouda which took us two and a half hours to and fro. Then I completely rinsed and cleaned my room. My mom came to visit me on Wednesday. Thursday, I walked 30 km from Rotterdam to Scheveningen beach. It was a seven-hour hiking trip which is insane, and I still don't know how I did that.

The tea (every close friend that I have already knows this, but here we go): I hooked up with a guy from my study, and then I kissed his best friend a week after. Yeah, that is college life. Then I had a blind date on Valentine's Day, and it was really nice. It was my first date with a girl. She is charming, and we have been on two other dates after that first one. We talk and eat together right now, but I like her. I am not sure if it will turn out into anything more, but I like to hang out with her.

By the way, about the guys that I mentioned before, nothing happened more. They are not pissed at me or one another, and I don't want anything more. It was just fun!

I hope you feel like you are up to date right now!

The 15th of April (a Thursday)

11.42

I feel very sucky right now. I failed my drivers' test, and I am still so sad about it. I just wanted to make it, and no words of comfort help me right now.  I kind of feel like a failure, and I know failing is alright; it just sucks, and I want to crawl up in a hole and hug someone. Cry in someone's arms.

The 8th of May (a Saturday)

01.17

Tomorrow I have my first driver's lesson after my failed drivers' test. I don't know why I am so hung up about it. But I am still the same mess that I was a month ago. I thought it would die down, but it didn't. I don't know why. I want to know why and why I keep thinking that I can't do this. It is just a drivers' test. I am making such a big deal out of it. It is just driving, something I know how to do. I know how a car works. I know how to park. I know where to look, but sometimes I forget, and then I think I am stupid, which gets stuck in my head. Then I just keep thinking of that stupid thing and then I become messy, because I can't shake my mind of anything else, but then I return to driving, and then I am like: 'Oh no, I have been driving messy, I should be more careful.' And then I become too careful. I think I have just major anxiety. I mean, that would make sense. But I hate it. I don't want it. I want to do well, be happy, not think about it, and not overthink it.