a Big Mess of Weird Stuff

The Year 2022

The 19th of January (Wednesday)

21.23

I cut off my hair. It is short now. And it is so soft and cool! I am really happy :) How are y'all doing? I thought it would be a good idea to give y'all a little update. I have been doing alright even with covid and seasonal depression. I am just worried about some friends but overall it has been good. I have now been dating Elise for a while and it is really nice. The girl I was talking about at the end of 2021 is still there, and we still meet up sometimes but I haven't seen her in a long time. That girl and I have never actually established that we were dating. But Elise and I did. So, I can proudly say we are dating, dating exclusively even.

The 1st of February (Tuesday)

16.07

I am feeling a bit sad and not entirely good. I don't know why but I woke up way before my alarm and that made me a bit grumpy. I had an alright day regarding my lessons but when I came home and threw out the trash, I just felt down. I don't know the exact reason for it, because yesterday was pretty good, but everything social has been kind of struggle right now. I am very sensitive to tiny disruptions so when something does not feel right, it makes me question everything and worry. Even though, it probably doesn't have to do anything with me. I am just crying right now to let it all out and listen to my Ugly Cry playlist to get it all out. I was sick on my birthday which actually really sucks, and I know I have been looking at the best sides of the rest of my birthday, but it just really sucked, but the only time I did cry on my birthday (which always happens) was because I saw my parents again and I missed them a lot lately.

Oh yeah, I am blonde now :) That is pretty exciting but no, things are not feeling great. I am so much in doubt about what to do for this evening. There is a book club that I am part of and I didn't want to go, but I think maybe it would be good anyways, or maybe not. I definitely going to Yoga tonight, so at least I have that.

17.17

Last week, I was also feeling off after these two lessons that I had, so maybe something has to do with that. Of course, we are not talking about the happiest shit, but what could be the trigger for this feeling?

I will see if next week will be the same.

The 31st of March 2022 (Thursday)

20.30

Okay so I have the same feeling I think I had last time I wrote I feel a little bit very sensitive and I think it has to do with the first week every time the first week starts I don't know what to do I am a little bit lost I feel very insecure I don't know why I don't know what is going on I had to cry right now because I feel like I don't belong at my school and it is making me feel very down because I don't wanna get regret any choices.

It is just so stupid because I mean those guys are just so privileged and oratorio €500 dinners or something and I was like what the hell is going on I really don't wanna be here I don't like you are you're too rich for the shed and I just finish please before but I was also sitting in my booth alone and I just I I feel like I should be social and ate ate ate I am I'm talking to people I'm saying hi and I have my friends to hang around with but it's just not fulfilling an offer or something I feel like something is missing.

I was kind of contemplating my life choices. I've not been very happy with myself, for like the beginning of this very year actually cause I've been not very happy. I was happy when I was away or when I went on a trip with my parents.

Kind of sucks and I mean it will be great if it will be for a longer time I don't know it's just one day or just one evening we're happy and then for the rest of it I'm just like okay so this is it what do I need to do with this. Do you think I should change it I don't know if I should I don't know I don't wanna stop right now I am I was in my second year so I'm already halfway there and I'm not gonna stop because I very looking forward to Canada but it's just I am not feeling great however I don't know why why is it so sad it is not sad I don't know what it is I think it is it has to do with the freaking weather maybe I'm just so freaking seasonal depressed I don't know maybe I'm too sensitive maybe I'm too emotional maybe I'm too much thinking about peoples opinions it is just so exhausting I I don't know what to do I I'm not happy when I'm alone I have not happy when I'm with bunch of people but that's not true to be honest I mean I can't find those people where I feel like okay here Caya here I can be myself those people are back home and I haven't found those people really. Yeah so I wanna be a bit people I would I am with people I want to build a bond with people but for some reason I feel like this is hard this is very hard and I realise today that I I had six years to make the friendships that I have right now back at eight over and that's a freaking long time I can't push dad into two years of uni where was Corona I can't force myself to be social I be because I mean the first freaking two years of experience was not great either end of Turkey I was like I don't care anymore and I'm the fourth year was great and 50 year was great had a six year was alright. I think I have a mental breakdown like I had like a couple years back about that was a little bit more heavy that's what I have put after to be honest and it's me just asking questions of you very insecure about a lot of things and I'm not literally insecure about me I'm still gonna speak up and some guy laughed at me and I'm actually more pissed about it and he's gotta shut up. I think I'm just frustrated again and frustrated with me having to wake up so early for the last couple of days and frustrated that I had to sit alone even though that was kind of my own fault cause I didn't ask anyone if they were you see I'm frustrated that I felt like those guys were so privileged and I actually wanted to punch him in the face you can see that I'm a very emotional person in not only a crying we were also in a very pissed way so it's great to be venting right now I also feel like I was very pissed that guy that was laughing at me and that's okay I think it's good that I do this good that I felt but it's great to do the signal is sometimes it's just a good language to Bentonville I don't know what to do with that I think we're doing good my friendships are doing great I do feel like there's always improvement because sometimes I don't feel that comfortable with the person and I'm very all about that I have to feel comfortable as I feel like I should I'm not being touched because it is I am the person and also is not judging it is I go to Ayser for that yeah oh my friends are not like that and I also appreciate them even though they're different but I feel like I have a good friend group now I have good people around me and I'm actually very happy about that they're all back in Isa over some of them are here though and neighbours are great to hear but I am really not sure if anything will be happening we are not living in close proximity anymore. Alright I vented I think I've done so yeah if this sentence structure is crazy is because I did with dictating and I didn't wanna write everything down I just want to talk.