The 13th of September
21.56
Do you ever have one of these days where you feel, like 'oeh, I look good', your ego is boosted? And then one thing totally destroys that feeling? That was my today. In the morning I put one some make-up, chose my nicest dress (you know that Aqua colored one?) with a leather jacket. Got two lessons and after that my dad brought me home because I had two free hours. After those I went to school again and had my last lesson for today. Yes, I had three classes. Got my ego boosted because I felt all the looks of boys on me. So everything was fine, someone told he couldn't cycle with tomorrow, that was okay, I thought, not worrying.. But then, while I was doing Just Dance, I was like 'damn it, now I have to ask her and she always cycles with her and she doesn't like me, but if I don't ask her, I have to cycle alone and she will find out that I cycled alone..' Pffff, I got a total panic attack. (Exaggerated) Of course, it is nothing to really worry, it's only some selfish teenage shit. But then I lost again at Rummikub, again. And mom won again. God, I had to cry... I haven't won in weeks. Well, there are possibly some other things to worry about but now I just want to disappear in someone else's life with someone else's problems. Shut my thinking mind up, who is always trying to find a way to make me depressed.
The 24th of September
13.49
I am freaking out about everything. Got my monthly crying session. Sometimes you have to let go every memory that made you angry, sad and lonely. When my dad walked in and asked me to lunch with him, I couldn't take it anymore. Tears appearing in my eyes, voice breaking. Happily, he didn't notice my almost breakdown, otherwise I had to explain it, but I just can't. I am always trying to let other people think that I am a very calm, happy and accompanying person. Sometimes at school, I feel nothing, shut down my emotions like a vampire or just push them away, otherwise I will be a crying mess. The things that make me cry are not that big. Just tiny little things, like feeling excluded or feeling that you have to apologize for herself, because you screw everything up. The feeling that you let down someone. That feeling was the last drop and I am stressing about French.. Too much learning work.
YOU ARE READING
a Big Mess of Weird Stuff
Non-FictionMy name is Layla. This book is about my life and the writing is just a big old mess (hence the title). I am from the Netherlands, so it could be that there are some grammar mistakes in here, especially in the beginning 'cause I was fourteen when I w...
