a Big Mess of Weird Stuff

August, November and December 2020

The 10th of August (a Monday)

16.58

It is hot in the Netherlands. Really hot. I don't want to do anything, even though my friends keep proposing stuff. I am a bad friend right now, but I have to charge my inner introvert because otherwise, I won't survive. Last Wednesday I had a party in the evening, Thursday I went to the Efteling (which was nice with my parents). In the evening, I had a party, and for some reason, I stayed up until 7 am. I still regret not going home that night 'cause now I don't want to see someone anymore. The party on Thursday evening was a friend's party, and that friend is a little harsh sometimes. I have concluded that he is not right for me, and I don't want to see him again. It is not that he did something hurtful, but he doesn't make me feel good, and I think that is important in a friendship.

So yeah, that was Thursday night/Friday morning. Friday afternoon, I went swimming. Friday evening, I had a vodka tasting where we learned how to make shots and cocktails. There was also a competition between the two groups, and we won!

The day after (Saturday), I went to Walibi.

Now I am dead even though it is Monday already.

This Saturday, I get my key to my new room. This is going to be exciting ahhhh

The 4th of November (a Wednesday)

13.42

I kinda forgot to update... Let me tell you, it has been a ride already.

College is nice. I like the topics we talk about, and I like the way we are reached. Only stupid corona doesn't allow us to have physical meetings anymore. Everything is online.

Saturday, The 26th of December

23.58

I am done. Done with the 2nd quad, done with this year, done with my stupid anxiety of what other people expect of me.

For the longest of time, an issue that I have is that I feel like I am not social enough, I don't have enough friends, and I am not nice enough to have those. I am so scared of being left out.

I know I am forcing this onto myself, but it makes me feel broken inside, and I don't know how to solve it. I have this issue with myself for so long, and it is probably why I don't love myself sometimes.

I crave attention, I crave people around me, and I desire to be not alone.

But, I also crave to be alone, to be by myself, to have all the focus on me of myself.

How contradictory can I be?

I have been feeling content, not happy, but content. I was driven by school and the few social connections and interactions I had each week, but now, everything is unsure. I have to push myself to do something, and it is never what I want or crave.

Even though today was very nice. I saw my family again. After a long time, I saw my grandparents also, which I love so very dearly.

But then, in the evening, I want a response from a friend, I don't get it, and I break down. Of course, my emotional breakdown could have been a long time coming. The only reason I don't like holidays is that everything that bothers me will be released. I will turn into a sobbing and insecure mess.

Writing releases me from my burdens and makes my thoughts more coherent even though the structure is not readable.

Can anybody be happy for a long time?