a Big Mess of Weird Stuff

April and May 2020

The 9th of April (Thursday) (very early)

It's half past three in the morning and the birds are chirping outside. I don't know how I ended up at this time of night. I should go to sleep and not think and read so much or even start writing right now. It is weird, I don't even feel that tired. Maybe it is because my brain is still trying to figure out some things that it doesn't understand.

I mainly don't understand myself. There is this gnawing feeling inside me because someone told me something (very vague and I will come to that too). He is in a relationship right now and I am happy for him but something doesn't add up. He still misses his ex and for me, it feels like he is not that happy with the relationship and now I keep thinking why is he doing this? And why did I have to play a game with him before he would tell me? I mean I sorta thought we were friends and he had time enough to tell me when I saw him last Sunday. I just don't get it, okay. I just don't get why he wouldn't tell me.

Wait, maybe I am a reminder of his ex because I am pretty close to her and he feels weird about it. It would explain a lot.

There isn't much going on, so if there is drama, I am going to grab onto it like it is my baby. And that is the reason why that shit above is bothering me so much.

The possible fwb said I was vague. I am. I am very vague, but I just like to make shit mysterious even though it is not. Otherwise, life is boring. Most of the time I don't know how to make my feelings clear.

Another reason why I stayed up this late is that I wanted to finish a book here on Wattpad. It is called The Melody of Silence and it is really sad, but also very powerful and well written. There are three parts and I just finished the first one, but I am going to read the others when I have slept.

The 14th of April (a Wednesday)

15.12

Ciao.

I have passed two freakin' bases yesterday and I still don't know why and how and what.

I know you shouldn't leave your house to make out during this time, but I did it.

As I mentioned the other day, I have a dude that I am sort of friends with benefits with. Yesterday we met (not for the first time, I know him from school) and it was very nice, only I still don't what to think of it. Sometimes I feel helluva embarrassed, regretful and grossed out, but sometimes I feel cool, chill and neutral about it.

Could I be any more confusing?

To make something clear: I wanted this, I could stop him, but I didn't want to and now I feel weird.

The 11th of May (a Monday)

12.35

I still feel the same about it only I don't think about it as often as I did before. But now I am more at ease.

I mentioned a friend at the beginning of the chapter and he broke up with her a few weeks after I found out he had a relationship. According to a different friend, he broke up with her in a horrible way; he first ignored her all week and then at the end he called her to broke up with her. That is not a nice way to break up with someone. I still haven't asked him why he broke up with her, but he is a closed-off person and I don't want to push him 'cause he is not super close to me.

I have a slight aversion of alcohol right now. Last week, I met up with some friends (only three because we followed the safety measures in the Netherlands), but I just had a lecture from my parents, so I went to my friend's house with guilt in my stomach and now I found out if you're not completely happy or relaxed while drinking alcohol, it sucks. I got so crumpy and later on depressed when I got home. No, not doing that again.

Last week was emotional. On Friday I cried whenever something bothered me. And on Saturday I wasn't particularly happy too. But, yesterday was sorta nice. My mom was angry with me, but we worked that out. I saw my grandma again after a long time.

Today I am happy. I laughed at my cat. She was laying on her back and staring into nothingness. I love her. She's got such a great face.

The 29th of May (a Friday)

14.11

My emotional rides are never over, but I do have to say: you learn a lot about yourself during these times.

Right now, I am looking for a good way to pass my time for three months... I hope I can work a lot so I have a safe deposit for my college years 'cause that is going to cost a lot. A helluva lot.

I will go on holiday! Which I am excited to right now even though you can't do the "normal" vacation stuff like eating in restaurants, visiting museums, laying in the pool.

According to Grammarly, this chapter is very sad. Oof. I do am happy. I have met my new college mates online which is nice. I don't know if I already told you where I am going to study...

The study I will follow is Liberal Arts and Sciences. I am excited to start in September! It's going to be so different for me. I will be living on my own and not in the same city where I've lived the whole of my life.
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Hey guysss,
It's July, I know. But here you go!