a Big Mess of Weird Stuff

March 2018

The 4th of March (Sunday)

22.22
Today, the date happened. I was so f*cking nervous and so scared. I am not really sure why, but it was probably 'cause it was so new to me. It was my first first date. We talked a lot, well, especially him, but it did feel comfortable. But sometimes I don't really care. The good thing for him is that I am interested in everything, some stuff I find more interesting, some less. But, you know, I can find interested in anything even when it's new. I don't what will happen, we will see. 
I am actually questioning his interest in me.

The 20th of March (Tuesday)

10.17

Here just a quick update: (I didn't wanna write this test week, I don't know why) we are probably going on a second date next Sunday (we are going iceskating) and I am already nervous. God. It is just so much easier to talk via WhatsApp then in person. The 4th of March I wrote that I was actually questioning his interest in me, but right now I am pretty sure of it, he told me that he really likes me and when I am around his eyes are most of the time on me, so yeah, that is pretty good for my ego (still doesn't make me feel less afraid). Why am I so freakin' nervous? I guess it is because I have standards about relationships (read too much love stories) and many people are expecting me to kiss him and that he will be my first kiss (especially my mum: she went for a walk yesterday with a friend and that friend told her that her daughter will soon have her first kiss and that I am way too shy and that her daughters will be the first to have a relationship (yes, you could say there is some rivalry between them), well my mum didn't like that.) I know I shouldn't listen to them and just do what I want and that I should listen to what my heart says and blah the blah. It is just difficult. We'll see.

The 25th of March (Sunday)

21.43

Okay. A great amount of stuff happened these three days, oh man. I will start about today:

1. Today was the second date. We were planning to go iceskating, but the season was over so we decided to go mini golfing, glow in the dark. It was fun, and we got the same amount of points: 22-22, but we didn't know what the prize would be, but I had an idea but was way to scared to ask for that. We went to my home and then he was all curious, because I told him I had an idea which I didn't wanna tell, because I was too awkward for it. Then we made a deal: he would tell what he wanted and I would tell what I wanted and so it happened. He said: 'okay, well I want what you want.' Damn it, I thought and I whispered: 'a kiss'. And no, we haven't kissed yet 'cause I was too scared, yes, I ruined it. But, it will happen. It will definitely happen, because I still have to get the prize. Jep. By the way, I wasn't so scared this time, he was more than the first time that he said.

Now, I told you all the exciting stuff, but here are some things which are bothering me:

2. Friday, I had plans with Abigail and Barry. We ate McDonalds and saw a movie. It was so freakin' awkward at the end. We were laying on Barry's bed, watching the movie and after we finished, a sort of fight broke out, a tickle fight, Barry versus me and Abigail. It just felt wrong and the day after that: my mom be like: 'ohh, two women for Barry.' It just.. It bothers me.

3. And Saturday, yesterday, I finally how it is like to be hit on, no, not hit on, more like, flirted with. I interviewed this guy for school (I make items about what happens at our school) and after everything he said, he winked and smiled. 

Wow. Since the beginning of last summer holiday, a lot of things have changed for me. I sort of have the feeling that I am not that shocked every time a guy talks with me. (Yes, since the first years of high school I was shocked when a guy talked to me)