a Big Mess of Weird Stuff

January 2019

The 2nd of January

17.50

Oh god.

Hey, you know, I like to read my Horoscope. Not because I think it's true, but just because it's interesting and you want to check later if it's correct.

There was a horoscope at MTV at Snapchat (you can see that at discover) for the new year and I read that one. 

The horoscope was all about not looking for love because love turns up when you least expect it.  And that I should be relaxed and embrace life as it is. If I have a relaxed 'demeanour', it will result in more than one person asking me out.  (Aquarius)

And yes, two days into the new year, I have been asked out twice.

Maybe it is not totally fair, because these guys were already talking to me before the new year and shit. 

But like, wtf????

Kay is a guy who I already met last year. He was at my philosophy class and he is quite funny. I think a month ago, we talked a lot one day.

Two days later, I check my phone and see that he called my ten times around two o'clock in the night, which was weird. We never had conversations on the phone or via WhatsApp. So I ask him: 'Why did you call me?' And he comes with the excuse that he failed last night. (He probably had too much to drink.) 

Later on, I got two voicemails of that night. In the first one, you only hear him breathing and in the other one, he asks me to do something next week in a very slow tone.  

We talked a bit, but he probably forgot about that voicemail. When I asked about it, he said: 'Only mumbling, right?' So... Yeah.

Soraya told me later that he also did this with another girl. 

But for some reason, Kay called me again at NYE and we had a pretty weird conversation. Sort of my fault. (It was late and I drank some wine.) And he asked me out again, but then via WhatsApp. 

For some reason, I can't say no. But I have to because I do not like him that way. 

I haven't yet. I only said: 'we'll see', to stop the conversation.

Alright, the other story.

Mike is a nice guy whom I met five days ago at Daantje's birthday party. We didn't really talk, but he was nice and I was probably nice too because he asked Daantje my number. 

We talked/talk and today he asked me to go out. Jup. 

For some reason, I want to say yes. 

He is not handsome or attractive. But just nice. 

Mike is kind of pushy. I do have to say that.

I told him to think about it and I am thinking, but I don't know, because all these asking out questions, scares the shit out of me. 

Okay.

I am switching the subject.

I told my mom a lot about all these crushes I had and other things, you know. But for some reason, I don't want to tell her this.  

I did tell my friends. Some of them.

The 28th of January

17.38

I know, January was a boring month. 

I am seventeen!

Yessss

Great

I am going to write some sad shit right now, so be prepared. 

I don't know, but for some reason, I had expected more. Expectations always let you down, I know that. But I didn't even know I had them. Maybe I saw myself differently than I normally do.

I am just not that popular.  

Not many people wished me a happy birthday. Just my closest friends which is really sweet and great, but I just thought that more people would know it or just acknowledge me.

SHit 

I have to cry.

Monday birthdays are never good. The last Monday birthday I had sucked even more because I got sick and went to bed early. 

Maybe I should have posted a big 'IT'S MY BIRTHDAY' on Instagram. But I don't want to. I don't want to be that person that just want that attention. 

I am in a two-person-battle with myself.

It is going to be great when my friends come over later this evening. Pfffffffff

At primary school, everyone knew that it was your birthday because you are in the same class and give treats and have a calendar with all the birthdays on it. 

You know, Kay is a big fat player. I rejected him and then he got all defensive that he did not want to ask me out on a date, but now he did some weird shit with another girl and she did not like that.

Oh yeah, Mike and I are still talking. 

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Oh, I am so sorry. I totally forgot to post this chapter!

Sooooo here it is! I know, the last part is depressing, but birthdays are always depressing for me. The next day was way better and January has ended in a good month. I am fine right now. :)