a Big Mess of Weird Stuff

April 2017

The 10th of April

18.16

Do you ever have feelings that you don't want to feel? I have them a lot. Most of those emotions, for me, are nervousness, fear, love, sadness and anger. Sadness and nervousness are the most common feelings I have pressed down. Just yet, I felt sadness come over me like yesterday. When I game too much, I feel... like giant, but not giant, no... guilty, something like that... It is hard to explain what is going on in my head.. The emotion consists of a lot of stomach burn, not real stomach burn, but... Guilty stomach burn or just feeling crazy stomach burn... Sigh... Yesterday I had that feeling again, probably because I was watching a lot of videos of the actors of How I Met Your Mother and playing Curve Fever all the time... I am really addicted to Curve Fever and I hate it... Every time I hit a curve it totally pisses me off. Luckily, when my nieces came, it washed away and did not come back. 

At today's dinner with my parents (we ate early because my dad plays volleyball at 18.30), I felt really sad, unhappy. I watched three episode of Thirteen Reasons Why... I know... That is no reason to feel sad (sarcastic)... Everyone who doesn't know 13RW, the serie is about a girl who committed suicide and left tapes behind to tell why she killed herself. And I am that kind of girl who lives totally in the serie, I feel the same things like the character.. It is not nice when you're watching a sad movie; I always have to cry. But I don't think that is the only reason... the last couple of weeks I am having a hard time with Pam (the girl who I didn't like last year, but not anymore since the third year). When I ask her something, she always answers in an annoyed voice, if she is always irritated by me. My mom says that I have to ask what is going on but I don't feel like that. 

Is it bad to tell everyone who you trust or feel comfortable with, about how you feel and who you don't like? I don't really have secrets.. Well some, but I won't feel sorry if I just write them down now. I guess I trust people easily. I don't if that is good.

Friday the 21st of April

20.49

Just yet, I found out something about myself: I lose interest in stuff pretty quickly and starting new things is hard for me. I don't know how it came up in my mind. By the way, I am going to Italy again!! And right now we are driving to our little house. I have May holiday (Dutch: meivakantie) and I feel totally relaxed. I feel like I don't have any pressure on me and can do everything I want. Happy, that is what I am and singing as loud as I can with great songs.

I talked about 13 Reasons Why the other day. My mum forbids me to watch that again (not that that would stop me: I am at last two episodes). She forbids me to watch, because a friend of her saw an article in a newspaper (my mom saw it too). The article is about people who are depressed and they they could commit suicide more easily by watching 13TW (but I am not even depressed!) Her friend totally freaked out and talked to my mum about it, mum angry, me sighing...

The 28th of April

22.47

Remember: idea for studies: first Psychology and second (if I have enough money or if I have it, just do it) Media/Communication/Television.