Sincerely, The girl who left words Unsaid

10. 100 Letters_Halsey.

He is a fool.

I have no idea why I end up to this one single conclusion. No matter how much I try to convince myself, no matter in how many different ways I try to see yesterday I end up to this very fact that he is a fool. Shane. Damn it! Maybe, no. I am the one who is stupid.

I tried not to notice him but his actions are too loud. I tried not to listen to him but the way he says everything with so much honesty it's hard for me not to get engulfed in his stories. I think he already knew certain things that are written all over me. I am the grenade with no pin that's meant to explode, inevitably. He thought my hands were cold, I think he doesn't even have an iota of an idea of how cold my heart was.

I envy his eyes. I think they have been a reflection of everything he has ever felt. You know when he lies, you know when he is honest, you know when he is faking and you know when he means something. His eyes are like glass. When he talks about you and it's weird how it's always on point, it's really uncomfortable. It's scary. It's scary because he reminds me of Jennifer Rodrigothat I knew once. And I don't think I can even tell him. It's been years, the time has elapsed and I have changed. And it's the law of nature, if you change, you don't tell them you have changed, you don't show the signs, you don't try to remember the buried past and most importantly you don't reverse the change. It's not in nature and it's definitely not in my nature. I envy his eyes because mine is opposite to his. My eyes are wide shut. I have learned to say things without meaning them, they have learned to deceive.

He is a fool, he sees everything but he couldn't see the lie in everything.

Yesterday, amidst the noise and lights of the auditorium, between the cold and laughter I found myself making a mistake. A kind of mistake, that shouldn't have been made. There is no bigger sin than playing with feelings. That something I believe because I lost feelings while mine were played with. I am open to everyone, I am friendly. Talk to me when you need me, I am always going to be there to hear you out but don't expect anything in return.

When I let him hold my hand it was a friendly gesture. I saw no harm. In the last few days, I had witnessed a kind of person that probably even Carol and Joyhadn't seen despite all of spending the exact same amount of time, the exact same moments but it felt strangely different. Carol mustn't have heard him talk so politely, she only gets his cute cold stares. Joy mustn't have heard him talk about his story, she only gets to hear him talk about food and sleep, the two most common things to them.

 
When I let him hold my hand, it was affection. He had a firm grip, yet gentle. It didn't hurt but it was a kind that won't let you slip by. When he let his fingers run loose, it tickled. It was a bit odd when he had his fingertip running circles on my fingernail. Lucky, I wore no nail paint. It wasn't the touch that excited him, it was the feeling he felt inside. I realized it and felt sick of myself.

 Men will always say they cannot understand women. Well, they never can because a woman when gives her heart to someone she gives her heart completely, forever. And if anything that hurts her more than a broken heart is her guilt of breaking a heart by leading on. That moment I felt nothing instantly, I didn't feel what he did but I only felt how stupid I was. I took my hand off and that fool just had to shut his eyes and smile that moment. What men? Does he really think I can't distinguish his real smile and a certain smile he gives? I just wanted to call out his name...Shane. But I couldn't.

I am overthinking? Maybe. Or maybe not. Because he seemed so noticeably different. He messaged a little bit more often. He called me for anything, any work and not Sabrina or Dash like he did, for the last two months. It was his day. The second day was all about his events. He wanted everything to be perfect, and I really wanted him to feel good at the end of the day.

Mrs. Nonie. Firstly, why someone is named Nonie it's so weird. I hadn't seen her, had heard her name once or twice I suppose. I saw her today morning in the multimedia room where our first event was about to held. Sketchy Stories. Depict a story based on one certain word including the very own city in a form of a comic strip. It was Shane's idea. When he would decide to work, which I repeat is a rare decision for him, he works his ass off which is impressive. He would run up and down to get material, made sure we ate something, and for him eating was smoking so no one even asked him whether he ate or not. Maybe we should have. He gave his 100% to everything or nothing. I think I don't know whether I like this quality that he possesses or I just hate it the most.

Everyone was excited for the 'War of DJs'. Everyone wanted to groove and dance. I wanted it too. I love to dance. Yesterday, while dancing in the Zumbaworkshop, out of nowhere Shane walked in from behind. I must have never felt that shy in my entire life, I was so nervous. I couldn't get myself to even move. He smiled at me. He noticed my awkwardness and just left. And the way he danced he reminded me of two words, i.e. Drunken Ape. He didn't care about the song, he didn't care about the rhythm and he just danced. And the only one to match him was Sabrina. They did random steps in sync. It was like 'I don't know what's happening but it's nice' kind of a moment. I like the way he makes us laugh. I liked the way he made me smile in particular.

I walked towards him because he looked stressed. We were ten minutes late maybe but we knew we can be hours late and he wouldn't say anything to us.

"Jenny!" he sounded like he was being violated.

"Shane!"

"I am going to kill her." made a hand sign of chopping someone. I couldn't help laughing.

"Kill whom?"

"Mrs. Nonie" he pointed towards the lady in red vintage clothing. She wore a heavy neckpiece, which probably even I didn't have in my junk jewelry box when I was in kindergarten. 

"What is she?" I had my eyes popping out.

"She is some teacher and unfortunately your heads supervisor. She is a pain. Interfering in my work for last half an hour" he said as he organized all the material for the event on the main table.

"Shane either you kill her or am going to leave Fine Arts immediately" Sabrinacame and spoke her heart out as she was the one being ordered by Mrs. Nonie to arrange the chairs continuously.

Shane was no longer the creative head. When I asked he told me his father was pretty upset about his lifestyle and other stuff. He used to wake up at four every morning (he boasted about it and I still am clueless about what is there to boast about it) and attended lectures, skipped lunch which his parents found out, and went home as late as five in the evening. He often says he is mutant, I see what he meant. He was disheartened leaving creatives but said yes the moment offered Fine Arts and I don't think anyone else would have been better than him, neither for fine arts nor creatives. He might fail to execute his ideas, but his ideas were the ones not possible to be thought by anyone. His mind never slept.

"I would personally slaughter her, old school style with knuckle bashers and samurai swords but she will still be speaking and smiling. It's so annoying man. She is teaching me economics this semester and I don't understand why she smiles so much. I often felt like shouting 'Bloody! Here life is being bitch what the fuck are you so happy about?' he mimicked with actions and in her tone. It was sort of cute.

The event went on, the second event was done soon and the final one was being held on the first floor. It was already five. Everyone was tired. There was something different about him. He wouldn't let me work, he wouldn't let me stand for long. One moment, he came and had a photograph clicked with me standing and he pulling my cheeks. Stara never missed a chance to pair me up with Shane. I think he bribes her.

All events were done. We had roughly an hour to kill before dancing like jackasses.I personally was waiting for that event because there is something relaxing about the whole idea of dancing. I am happy about how I forget everything. But, boys will be boys. Shane wanted to drink. Why should the boys have all the fun? Sabrina wanted to drink too. I hate smokers and drinkers. Maybe he didn't know that yet. While walking to a little resto-bar which was around the corner, Shane dancing like Hopping Barbie ended up running into a low-height pole at the wrong place. Very, very wrong place.

"Ohh fuck!" he was yelling giving no damn about how many people were looking at him.

"Did it hurt?" Dash was just asking.

"You bitch, I will kick your balls with a camel steel toe shoe and ask 'oh baby! Did it hurt?'"

We couldn't control laughing as he was rolling down on the ground.

Even when we sat down he was like 'Dash? My dear friend, I have a personal question to ask. One hit wouldn't affect generation right?' Dash was more embarrassed than the ladies around.

We danced till ten. He was drunk and obviously had smoked one just before meeting us again after he slipped out of the resto-bar abruptly. I feel like telling him that this nose that we have can actually smell and it's not a collectible item to mock Lord – the one-who-cannot-be-named.

It was a night I wouldn't wish to forget. He came all the way to the station to drop Carol, Joyce, and me. He was caring, there was no doubt. I think he wanted to hug me before saying bye but was too nervous. I was reluctant myself. After yesterday it was fairly natural for someone in my place. I liked the way he came close to me and whispered 'Text when home'. All the way back home, I couldn't help but think that something happened between when we went out and drank and the last event. Because his entire energy that I felt than said everything else when he said nothing at all.