Sincerely, The girl who left words Unsaid

47. We are_Haevn

Letter  17 

Dear Foolishly stupid awesome guy,

Hi.

Ya I know that 'Hi' actually made no sense, I'm just trying to ease myself into today's day. Finally, I can say that I'm relieved that I gave you a much much better day than the last time...

Firstly It was nice to see your smile when I was waiting for you outside the subway, you smiled the moment you saw me and as always complimented me but today you looked at me differently, It felt different. Sorry about saying 'No' to going to the bay, It's just that, that place does not go down well with me, I have never liked it nor have I ever had a strong feeling to go there.

The main reason why I don't want to go there with you is cause you have taken others there and I don't wanna be one of those, I always wanna be the one you'll remember as different from others hence when I'm with you It has to be a different place.

Definitely where we landed up was not a picture-perfect scenario but yet It didn't matter cause we just wanted to spend time together. You ask a lot of questions and I never seem to answer them cause my mind always in an estranged state, It gets caught up on things I shouldn't even bother about.

You know all the time that we stood there while you spoke my mind was only on one thing 'He is leaving and I don't know how to let that sink in'. You can go on speaking for hours and I can keep listening to each word you say carefully, It can' never be the other way around cause I lose the sense of understanding when I talk about my own stories when I talk It's war in my head and heart. I could have spoken to you a lot of stuff today but I didn't want to, I didn't want to make the day about me, I wanted to consume all that you would say.

The reason why I told you the night before to not plan how the day would be is cause this only cause plans always get ruined It's better the way It turns out to be without planning everything. When you got close the first time I was able to keep myself still, It didn't affect much but the moment you kissed my forehead I felt something and that's when I started to catch hold of myself, I kissed your cheek not as a return or a favor but cause I wanted to.

You tried many times to kiss my lips but you knew my trust level was high and you didn't wanna lose it, so you controlled yourself and I have no clue how you did that. Your victory dance, your smile, your happiness is all that I love seeing, I love seeing the Shane who is openly displaying himself without faking.

The way you caressed my skin from my cheek to my neck made me weak, It felt good the touch. When I asked for a hug it was cause I wanted to give It all to you, I let my guard down for a span of 5 mins. In those 5 mins, I hugged you like I was losing everything, 

I could feel your lips against my neck and what you didn't know was that my neck is a soft spot the most ticklish part when in contact with something soft or anything. I had to break the hug that time cause I knew It was affecting me.

When we hugged the second time I gave you a kiss on the cheek as the final one but damn It was hard to let go that time, you were literally invading my space being so close your breath against my skin, everything fell overboard, I had to catch hold of your t-shirt tight to try and control myself from not letting you know that you were affecting me. I pushed you but you were still over me, I told It would be wrong but you kept saying that It wouldn't and at that moment my brain just said to give you a peck on the lips but I knew It wouldn't last right there at the end we are humans.

I kissed your lips and suddenly everything was just blurry when that small kiss turned into a big one I had no clue but I had to stop it cause I didn't want to hurt you in any way, the kiss felt urgent like you really craved for it and I just gave it in like I had no option, but I did but I didn't choose no, I chose to kiss you instead.

I know how my heart is and in that 10 secs It didn't feel what It had to, It felt nothing. I felt like my emotions had just ran-away cause fuck I didn't feel anything from that kiss.

You tried to talk to me made me sit told me not to blame and blah but Shane, I wasn't even listening to you that time I was trying to figure me out, I wanted to kiss you again when you were talking cause I wanted to find out what was lacking so much that my heart didn't even beat once for you that's when you got a call and I clasped my hand tightly and tried to control myself from doing something stupid.

After we left from there I wanted to hug you before going through the subway but then you spoke about the bad stuff at the farewell and I no longer wanted to hug you. When you called me about the paper that I had forgotten to take I was actually just pissed about you wanting to do all those things at the farewell, so didn't talk properly.

The worst part was when you came with the paper completely tired and I told you to have water and you said no you'll have something else instead that broke my heart honestly cause few mins ago we kissed even if It didn't mean anything you going to smoke was achingly disturbing. 

I wanted to just walk on the train without even saying bye but I didn't wanna be rude, I heard you say I Love You but at that moment there was nothing worth turning around and looking at you cause all you would see was a disappointment face.

The only thought on my mind was you, what did I do to hurt you. All I could think was about how much I have hurt you and how much you have loved me but I don't feel a thing.

It's pure meaningless and I hate that.

Sincerely, 

The girl who will miss you a lot.