Sincerely, The girl who left words Unsaid

35. I Gave it All_Aquilo

Letter 14.

Dear Unethical Fool,

Damn it's so hard to make you understand what I'm trying to say without any sort of misunderstanding. One day my head will explode cause of the pressure I have on me and no I'm not talking about you being the whole cause of the pressure, you are not a part of it but slowly & gradually your starting to step right into it by not understanding my words.

I am not saying that I don't want you around or that I'm leaving you. You fool, I never wanted to drag our friendship under the train, I told you I want what we have to last but these feelings are going to complicate things.

Caroline told me yesterday about how angry & annoyed you were when I said 'No' to meeting that you were losing it, you know what that tells me is that you want me & need me to another level now. It's like your breathing just because you wanna see me and I don't want things to play out in such a way that my addiction ruin's you.

You talk about Rachel, I can tell you about Anisden. 

I met him at a time when everything in my life was normal. It was not an instant relation but the first time I had seen him there was a certain charm in him, he was joyful, athletic, nature was the best. He had a short height but was completely active. He had a dog too and was always smiling. He was a guitarist, biker, and adventure addict. 

It took more than a year and then when we did start dating. It was the most beautiful thing that happened to me. His small gestures were everything. During my mom's spinal operation he used to meet me every day, take me to the hospital, made sure I ate, made sure I slept, etc. His caring was at another level. He never saw looks in me, he always had a thing for my heart.

We loved when we hugged each other when our hearts would beat in sync, something that makes me want, something that makes me crave madly, deeply, passionately. He completed me. 

Why we are not together? I don't know. When we were apart, we still were still in touch. I still text him daily.

It was special for me because wid him I could be insane, daunting, naughty, childish, etc.

I was happy when I was with him. 

I was thirteen and he was fifteen. He got so used to the idea of us being in love that he used to not study, he used to always be on the phone with me or meet me. When his initial exam marks came he scored very less and his dad was disappointed and so was he, I made him understand that he needs to concentrate more on his studies rather than me but he didn't listen, I had to literally stop talking to him so that he would pick up his books and study for once, I reduced our number of meets. Every day of his exam I wished him All the best and lots of love and then switch off my phone, he was really angry initially but then once he was done with exams and all the papers went good he called up and sounded relieved as I had just made something that bothered him go away. He scored well and I was really happy.

I honestly don't like myself at times because I can be really very restraining when I make up my mind and when I do that I don't realize that I hurt myself a lot but I don't bother as long as someone else is benefiting.

You know why these letters bring out a lot from me cause when I type I'm letting whatever that's in my head & heart flow without any filtration and that's how I can express myself without sounding numb.

You can hate me for my behavior or you can hate me for whatever reason there maybe but I know that I'm just trying to do something right in the wrong way.

Sincerely,

The girl who knows that you would rather say you love me than you hate me.

______

Note - Make sure you watch this video for something that is yet to come.