3.0 The Chronicles of Us - Choas & Clarity

Chapter sixteen

*♡  Ellie ♡*

I throw my keys on the dinner table and head for the kitchen to make some coffee. What an awful day this is. The draft is done. There was no way to delay it any further. I did my best though; rescheduling my appointments with Mr. Katz and always purposely forgetting the paperwork he asked me to bring. Unfortunately, in this day and age, it's a poor excuse to say that the dog ate your marriage certificate. After all, I have an organized online cloud with copies of all my important administration.

Cancel it.

No, not happening. This is the way it should be. Divorce is the consequence of his betrayal. It must be.

I open the cabinet to grab a mug. The butterflies that appear are unstoppable. Still, after the way hurt me, the mere sight of his stupid handsome face makes my heart dance. That picture is so darn lovely. My sleepy face on his chest and his grinning face looking straight into the camera. How is it possible that he betrayed me when he was this happy? I still find it hard to believe. Maybe I just don't want to.

He never denied it.

I cave and take the mug from the shelf. With a cup of coffee in hand, I move over to the living room. The couch is great—soft, big and drenched with memories. We had sex on this couch many times, too many. Well, not just on the couch. Also against it, next to it, and bend over it. I should probably get it cleaned before Frank and Maggie come home.

Thoroughly.

I shudder and sit down. Even though the divorce papers are drafted, I haven't signed them or sent them to Tex. I could speed things up by filing for divorce on my own, but that means I have to serve him like a criminal and that is just something I can't do. I'm hoping he will go along with a joined petition. That way, the court doesn't have to get involved right away. I'm sure Tex will nitpick about all the conditions, anyway. It will take forever before we come to an agreement.

If ever.

Why am I stalling the inevitable? I'm a scorned woman, it shouldn't be this hard to accept that our marriage is over. Do I dare to admit that the word forgiveness still circles my brain in bold neon colors? Demanding my attention and causing doubt all over.

I told him that he is not the same person to me anymore, but is that really true? Sure, I was mad, but, in a way, it feels as if nothing has changed. I still love him.

Boy, do I love him.

Besides, I did some more research on how to forgive and I found some comforting articles. Supposedly, forgiveness can be a cure to the cheated party. Not a gift to him, but medicine for my heart.

Could I?

Then again, he doesn't want children and I do. That hasn't changed either. I was willing to give that up for him. Am I still willing to do that? Forgiving him is useless if I'm not sure about that.

I groan so loud, the startled cat almost falls from its sunny spot in the window sill. Only a few months ago life was simple, and now I have to make all these big life decisions that I'm not prepared for. How the heck am I supposed to know what's right or wrong? Perhaps a good dosage of caffeine will provide me some clarity. Just when I'm about to take a sip, my phone rings.

Tex?

My confused heart skips a beat. I haven't heard from him since our fight. Granted, I blocked his number the first couple of days but after I unblocked it, there was nothing but radio silence. Should I reach out to him?

Distracted once again, I look at the screen. Right. I almost forgot my visit to the doctor's office. I haven't been feeling well. It's probably just stress and heartbreak, but I hope it's an ache that can be fixed with a shot of vitamin C or some smelly lotion.