My Love.

7

B E L L A

1st October 2019

After Owen had finished painting my nails last night, the rest of the evening consisted of us listening to Charlie and Mads write their song whilst Owen and I just entertained ourselves on our phones. Charlie had dropped Madison home at around 11pm and then decided to go back to their apartment leaving Owen with me for a sleepover once again.

It was currently 3 A.M. and I couldn't sleep, which wasn't great because we were back on early morning filming this week. I'd tried everything from laying with my eyes shut for probably an hour, counting sheep to see if it was a myth or not and even watching some ASMR to try and lull me to sleep, but none of it worked. Eventually I rolled onto my side and placed my attention on the beautiful boy sleeping contently next to me, hoping that his peace would some how help me drift off. His shirtless body managed to radiate heat and I found myself moving closer to him and gently brushing back his floppy hair from in-front of his eyes. I started to think about the panicked state he was in the other day and it made my heart hurt for him. I knew he suffered with really bad anxiety because of the conversation we had had one day when it was just the two of us on set for a while; but actually seeing him panic like that first hand was awful. 

"Are you okay?" He asked and peered up at me through his hair in the mirror.

"What do you mean?" I truly didn't think that anyone would pick up on my behaviour, I thought I was managing to hide it considering none of them had known me for that long but he'd obviously seen something in me.

"You just seem a little bit down, not as conversational. It could be nothing but I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay."

"I'll be good, I'm just having one of those days, but I'm used to them so you don't have to worry." I gave him a small smile, one that he definitely didn't think was real.

"I get them too, I have since I was 12 so if you need to talk Bella I won't judge at all."

"I don't really know what to tell you about them, I was never really taken seriously so I don't know what they are. All I know is I get the occasional days where I'm filled with dread or, hatred for myself among other things. I know everyone critics themselves in some way but its different when that happens, like I physically cannot stare at myself in a mirror for longer than it takes me to do my makeup otherwise it makes me sick."

The only other person I'd told this to was Kyra, well and my parents of course because they'd also started when I was 12. But they were the type of people to tell everyone and themselves that their child was fine, even when I was crumbling in front of them, especially my dad. So when my mum died I really had no hope for getting help. Owen was just so easy to trust, and so telling him actually wasn't as hard as I assumed it was going to be.

"I know when you're in that situation nothing that I say will help much, but just try and remember just how beautiful you are because we all see it in you each and every day. When I was younger, my anxiety lead to many different issues but the main ones being I would constantly check if my parents were home. I was deathly afraid that they were going to leave me one day, I had no logical reason to be as scared as I was but my thinking when I was having an episode wasn't rational. Anyway, once I grew and realised that even if my parents weren't at home nothing bad was going to happen, it started manifesting itself in different ways. I was diagnosed OCD and some people think I have ADHD too, it can be a lot to deal with at times, but just like you are I'm still here. And that's mainly down to a lot of the friends I surround myself with, you being one of them Bella."

There were slight tears in my eyes once Owen had finished explaining his experiences to me. He was so open and I knew he wasn't trying to take away from my own troubles, more just trying to let me know that he understood how I felt. His hand reached down to my own and guided me so that I was in-front of his make up chair and between his legs slightly. He brought his thumbs up to my cheeks and wiped away any stray tears as they fell and I gently gripped his wrist.