Just For Tonight

She's gone, isn't she?

"Remember everything we wanted? Now all the memories are haunted. . . Even with our fist held high, it never would've worked outright." 

Christian~

"I take it you know right?" I ask Alex regaining my composure once again. 

Taking in a deep breath he sighs as he replies, "Yeah, Dr.Rowe told me after I convinced her I was Ash's brother. I'm sorry man." 

"Yeah," I reply finally looking at my hand and the bloodied knuckles from the destruction of this bathroom. 

"That hurt?" Alex asks I'm sure noticing my minor fixation on them, "Cause I gotta say I do love what you've done to the place."

Of all things, that makes me chuckle the tiniest amount before I shake my head, "I feel like it should, but it just doesn't right now." Shaking my head I open and close my hand and feel a little twinge of something not feeling great but nothing in comparison to everything else right now. "This wasn't supposed to happen," I comment tipping my head back into the concrete of the wall behind us. 

"You're definitely right about that," Alex comments looking away from me and staring at the mess I'd made. "Anything that I can do for you right now?" 

Thinking about how he's here right now asking me that after him very openly hating me a few months ago makes me scoff a little as I shake my head, "Honestly just you being here right now somehow some way helps." 

Alex nods as he tips his head back too and the both of us just sit in silence once again looking at the chaos in front of us. How do I even begin to accept that this is real? That this is Ashtyn and my reality now? Why Kacelyn over anyone else? Why couldn't it have been me instead? "It should've been me, not Kacey." 

"What?" Alex asks confused now, "No it shouldn't have been you, it shouldn't have been anyone." 

"I'm sure all of five months ago you wouldn't be saying that," I retort as I shake my head, "Alex you hated me, and I can't even say I didn't deserve it. I was horrible, I was a dick, I was selfish, and pig-headed, and small-minded, and stupid, and I wished that I'd never met Ashtyn let alone gotten her pregnant. This feels like it's my fault for being such a fucking douchebag and wishing that it wasn't real then. It should've been me."

"Christian, I'll be the first one to admit that you were fucking horrible at the beginning of all of this, but this isn't your fault," Alex tells me making me scoff as I shake my head, how the fuck couldn't it be? 

"Maybe if I wasn't such a fucking dick that Ashtyn had to stress about we would have our baby girl right now."

"I haven't wanted to punch you this bad in five months," Alex comments getting upset, "This shit right here, wasn't a stress thing. You know that. You were told that just like I was that this shit just fucking happens sometimes for no fucking reason. You didn't fucking cause this and you need to quit acting like you did. My best fucking friend is in a room right now after going through the worst thing that can happen to someone and she doesn't even fucking know it yet. You, the man she's in love with and planning on getting married to, throwing this shitty fucking pity party of 'it should've been me' isn't going to make this any fucking easier for her. How the fuck is she supposed to handle losing the most important thing in her life and then have the next most important thing in her life sounding like he needs to be talked off the fucking ledge? I don't want to say I don't give a flying fuck about your feelings right now but given right now your feelings are stupid as hell I don't. You're going through the unimaginable and so is she don't make her go through any more than she has to right now Christian."

Alex's outburst shuts me up pretty easily. He's right. I've gotta deal with as much of this shit as I can right now so I can be here for Ashtyn.  "God we shouldn't even be in this situation right now."