Just For Tonight

Business as Usual.

Christian~

"Ash?" I call out into our house after not finding her on our main floor. She's had yet to make it upstairs in the now three weeks since. Following no response, I furrow my eyebrows a little and glance upstairs and catching the door to the nursery open for the first time since the one night I left Ashtyn in the hospital to get some clothes. Going in there that night was just about the worst things got short of actually finding out we'd lost her. 

Taking the steps three at a time I rush up to make sure Ashtyn is okay. As I take a glance into the room for the first time my breath gets caught as the sorrow of the room almost overtakes me before I see Ashtyn standing at the crib, hands resting on the sides of it as she stares in her brow furrowed. Leaning on the doorframe not knowing if I even have it in me to go in any further I glance around the room and how much fucking joy it once had in it just dreaming of the moments we'd get to share with Kacey. That joy has long been ripped away now. 

"You heading down to spring training right away once you get the cast-off?" Ashtyn asks, why is that what's on her mind? Staring over what should be our baby girl's crib she's wondering about my job.

"I think that's the plan right now, gives me about three weeks give or take now and then I'll have like two before the season gets underway. Unless you needed anything else, I can probably get my time on the IL extended."

Ash shakes her head quickly before looking at me, "No, I'll be fine. I don't really want you to worry about me right now, especially not to the extent of putting your career on hold because of me. Honestly, I was thinking about heading back to work. Get the fuck out of this house." 

"Really?" I ask almost shocked at that from where it'd seemed like we'd been earlier today. "I mean that's great and if that's what you need, it's just a pretty big jump from where I thought you were." 

Ashtyn shrugs as she looks at me before her eyes scan over the room we're stood in, the hollow shell she's become making it increasingly hard to want to continue standing here. "I think it'll be a good distraction. Make it a lot harder to just sit and think about all the things we should've been doing right now with Kacey." 

"Yeah," I say agreeing with her not really sure what to do or say, then again I haven't been sure in weeks. "Whatever you need just let me know." Ashtyn nods before glancing around the room again and giving me a small forced smile as she comes to me and wraps her arms around me. The two of us just hold each other now, neither one of us making a sound as she clings to me and me to her. Standing in the should have beens surrounding us while we deal with the never bes of reality.

Ashtyn~

Pulling my straightener down through my hair and flipping the chunk around to get the curl set I spray it with hair spray just going through the motions of everything at this point. That's apparently all I can do anymore is just go through the motions acting like everything is fine. I'm going to have to tell my staff today what's happened and then continue to have to just work as usual. It's better than the alternative though of having to sit in this house for another day thinking of how I should be holding my baby and taking care of her right now. That's not how shit panned out for me though. Taking a deep breath I check over my make-up again making sure it looks how it needs to, it has been almost three months since I've felt the need to wear any. 

Glancing over myself I pull on my blazer before I flick the light off and grab my phone to head out of Christian and my bathroom and start heading back to work. I'm not sure really anything would be able to fully prepare me for this. Exiting our room I can't help but linger in the doorway of Kacey's room. I'd have about three more months still of normal maternity leave if she were here. Looking over everything in the room my eyes can't help but fall on the floral arrangement Mr.Montenegro gave us with Kacelyn's name beautifully scrawled across it. How is it fair that she never got to enjoy or see any of this? How is it fair that she's not here?

Shaking my head I shut off the light and head downstairs the twang of pain near my incision site gaining my attention as I make my way to the kitchen to grab one of the pain killers I'd been prescribed.  Grabbing a glass out of the cupboard I fill it with water and take the pill before dumping the rest of my glass in the sink. Glancing at the prescription bottle on the counter I set my cup down and grab it before putting it in my purse, who knows how long I'm staying at work tonight. 

"You all set?" Alex asks coming in our garage door.

"Yeah," I reply grabbing my phone and shoving it in my back pocket again as I grab my purse. 

"What the hell are you doing here?" Keri asks as she shoots up from her desk and comes to give me a hug, "How are you? Oh my god, how's Kacelyn? I bet she's just beautiful." Fuck that hurts.

"Um yeah," I say not really knowing what else to do right now, "Can you help get a meeting set up for me please?" Keri pretty quickly picks up on my mood and just nods without pushing anything further as I quickly get into my office finding it increasingly harder to breathe as Keri's words linger in my mind. She obviously doesn't know, no one does, but it still doesn't take that twist of the knife in my heart away.  Looking down I try to preserve as much of my makeup as physically possible playing gravity to my advantage now as I just focus on controlling my breathing. Why did I think I could do this already. There's really no going back here now though is there? 

Taking in a deep breath I wipe under my eyes before setting my bag at my desk and checking myself once again. Gotta reel this shit in Ash, you're a professional and this is your job. Alright, I'm okay. I'm good. I can do this, I have to at some point regardless, why not now. Okay, I push my hair back slightly as I take a breath before heading back out of my office and to the conference room. 

My presence is definitely a shock to most especially given that I'd said I would probably just work from home for a long while after Kacelyn got here. Thankfully no one else makes any comments about anything else now, I assume Keri said something about our interaction this morning. Maybe it's more evident on me than I'd have liked that I don't have good news for them. 

"Alright," I say not really sure what I'm supposed to do or even say here. God, I should've planned this shit better. Fuck, I can already feel everything I'm trying to hold back forcing its way through. Pinching the bridge of my nose slightly I let out a breath shaking my head. How do I even say the words, what am I even meant to say here? Is there even a good way to say this? Fuck this is harder than I'd anticipated somehow. The silence in the room is telling right now that there's a definite tone to the room and it's felt and people kinda have the idea of what's going on before I can even say it.

"Are you okay?" Keri asks and I just shake my head.

I've lost my fight against my emotions and all I can manage to get out is, "Kacelyn didn't make it." The silence in the room following my announcement is deafening as I continue attempting to collect myself again to say more, the hard part of what was needed to be said is out but I know that they'll have their thoughts and feelings about everything and I don't know how to even begin to address that. 

Moments pass by before I can look up and am met with my staffs' sympathetic eyes while I find more to say, "I don't know how to deal with anything right now anymore but I just need even a shread of some normalcy back in my life so I can try to figure out how to deal with any of this right now. I plan on being in office now short of any appointments I have and I'd just like us to continue on business as usual. That's all that I need right now and I know you guys probably have a lot of questions and your own feelings about everything and for me and I do really appreciate it but I don't really know how to make sense of any of this for myself let alone for anyone else. Honestly, I don't really know what else if anything needs to be said but it's out there, and again I just want to get back to work and at least have that constant right now." There's a handful of nods around the room as they still continue to process the news I've just dropped, "That's all I've got for this meeting, if you need anything I'll be in my office again feel free to come ask."