Just For Tonight

Why?

"You took the life right out of me, I'm so unlucky I can breathe. You took the life right out of me, I'm longing for your heartbeat." 

When the world shatters beneath you, there's nothing left to catch you. Nothing to keep you up or to break your fall. Just nothing. The air dissipates quickly as there's just nothing to keep you here, no anchor to save you from floating away. There's nowhere to even begin to process the words that someone you love didn't make it. That the worst imaginable has happened and there's no rhyme or reason why it has, it just did. 

"Placental Abruption isn't uncommon and a lot of the times there's no reason why it happened. In this case in particular there's no real reason why it happened it just did. My only guess is how active your daughter had been she may have kicked it and caused it, unfortunately, there's no way that anyone could've prevented what happened." Dr. Rowe explains to me. God only knows how the words made it to me that I heard them right now. This isn't real. This isn't my life. This isn't how this was all supposed to happen. We should be staring at our baby girl right now. Holding her in our arms, telling her how much we love her. Not me alone in this room learning that our worst nightmares had come true. 

Somehow finding it in me I just nod before clearing my throat, "What about Ashtyn?" 

Dr.Rowe lets out a breath, nodding as she looks to her desk, "She's still out and might be for a while. Given the circumstances, we had to put her under general anesthesia to try and save your daughter. Ashtyn was losing a lot of blood internally before she'd come in, that on top of the procedure she needed transfusions. Her body is going through a lot and has been through a lot but she's stable and seems like she will be okay. Had you guys waited any longer to get in this would be an entirely different conversation. I'm confident that she's going to be okay." 

Nodding again I just stare at the corner of the room where one wall meets the other. This isn't happening. "She doesn't even know yet does she?" I ask my voice breaking as the thought of having to see her go through what I'm going through right now only so much worse. How the fuck is anyone just supposed to tell her that our baby girl was ripped away from us, our baby girl she's carried and loved and taken care of for the last nine months. The baby thats already created so much fucking joy now just fucking torn from us, torn from her? 

"Unfortunately, no," Dr.Rowe says with a sigh, "When she wakes up again we'll have to tell her, there are a couple of options that we can go with depending on what you want to do now. I myself can let her know everything or if you think it'd be better you can tell her yourself too. Whatever you feel is best we can do." God this is so fucking unfair. Why her? Why us? Why do we have to go through this now? How the fuck is this fair? "If you'd like to see your daughter you can as well and we'll give Ashtyn that opportunity too. A lot of parents like to have that moment with their babies to be able to say goodbye." Nodding again my gaze moves back to the edge of the desk closest to me. How did we get here? How? 

"Would you like to see her?" Is the next question asked. Do I? Is this even real right now? Leaning back in the chair I take a moment before nodding. Dr.Rowe gives me a sympathetic look before nodding back to me as she stands up and I find something in me that makes me follow. 

One second I'm being told the unimaginable in a tiny little office and then next I'm sat in a room by myself as if I'd teleported. If someone asked how I got here there's no chance in hell I'd be able to tell them. 

Moments that felt like eternities later the door is opened again and Dr.Rowe ushers a nurse in who's pushing the clear acrylic crib on a cart in and my heart stops. All air that I had left in me is knocked out and my world comes crashing down even faster than it had before. "Take whatever time you need Christian, hold her if you want, you let us know when you're ready. Ashtyn is going to be able to get this chance too if she wants it." Nodding silently I look at the two of them watching me as I stand up from the chair they'd had me in and finally look at the crib.

Falling to my knees I just stare helplessly at that baby girl who looks so fucking peaceful in the worst way imaginable. She should just be sleeping right now, not this. "No," I mumble out as I choke back my sobs no this isn't happening, thats not our baby. Thats not my Kacelyn. "This is some kind of sick fucking joke right?" I ask anger consuming me as Dr.Rowe looks at me all the sympathy in the world in her eyes. "She's okay, my daughter is okay, and you're just making a sick fucking joke right?" 

"Christian I'm sorry," is all she says as my heart just falls through the floor and I'm left here broken on the floor. This isn't real. My chest heaves as I sob holding my arms around my knees resting my head on them as I just sob. This isn't fucking real. That's not my baby this isn't where we're supposed to be. 

I don't know how long it is before I find it in me to get back up again and just stare at the beautiful baby laying in the crib. Dark hair covering the top of her head as she lays there. She looks almost as I'd pictured to a tee. Only somehow more beautiful than I could've ever foreseen. Wiping my face I look at her and just stare picturing a billion and one different scenarios than the one in front of me. More beautiful than I could ever imagine as she lays there unmoving. This isn't how things were supposed to go. 

"Can-can I- Can I hold her?" I ask stuttering out at best. How the fuck am I supposed to hold myself together for Ashtyns sake when that time has to come? Dr.Rowe nods as she meets me at the crib and picks her up for me before handing her to me. 

She's so little. So little and so perfect. Dark brown hair and long little eyelashes resting on her cheeks next to her perfect little nose pointed up just the tiniest amount above her defined cupids bow just like Ashtyns. Feeling myself start to shake again I take a step back and sit in the chair again not knowing what else I'm supposed to do. "I'm so sorry," I say choking out through my tears. "So so sorry baby girl. I'm sorry, I love you. I'm so sorry. I'm just so fucking sorry Kacey." Sobbing I just hold my baby girl before kissing her on her forehead my eyes closed tightly as I do shaking through my sobs. I'm so sorry.

Walking into the room Ashtyn is in is a whole new level of pain through this whole thing, she's the last person who would ever in a million years deserve to have this on her plate too. Everything I'm going through and thinking right now is going to be ten times worse than I could even imagine right now. Following the nurse in I see Ashtyn sound asleep on the hospital bed completely unaware of the world-shattering around her. Biting on my lip I shake my head as I just look at my fiancee knowing what's going to happen when she wakes up, why does she have to go through that. Why us. 

"I can't," I say shaking my head as I look at the nurse before turning around and heading back out and to the bathroom locking the door behind me. 

Gripping the sink as tight as I can I stare into it as the water runs, I scream out "Fuck!" as I let go and slam my hands onto the sink, "Fuck!" 

Screaming out I take my hand and throw my fist into the mirror shattering it as I yell out unable to comprehend any of this right now as I just hit and punch anything it seems like I can in this tiny fucking bathroom before finding the empty wall and leaning against it as I slide down it pushing my hands through my hair as I tip my head back into the wall tears streaming down my face. 

Taking a minute I look around at the mess I've made now in this bathroom. Mirrors shattered, soap and paper towel dispensers off the walls their contents spilled everywhere, trash cans spilled over little bits of blood on the walls from where my fist met them time and time again just trying to make this all go away. Trying to fix this irreparable damage left in me by losing Kacelyn by damaging anything and everything else I could. How the fuck are we here. 

"Why?" I scream out through my tears in anger and disbelief that this is happening now, "Why us? Why her? Why our baby?" Hugging my knees to my chest I bury my head in them as I choke on my own sobs, why the fuck is this happening?

God only knows how much time goes past before I hear a small, "Holy shit," mumbled out. Peering up for the first time I see Alex standing there just by the door of the bathroom looking distraught before he sees me and forces a little smile. The smile lasts less than a second before he lets it fall again as he comes over to me and sits next to me. Neither of us saying a word to each other just sitting with each other in the hospital bathroom I've destroyed. This isn't fucking real. 

Without any warning Alex puts his arm around me and pulls me into him and all I can do is just lose it again, sobbing into Ashtyns best friend.