Just For Tonight

Once Before.

"The straight lines, that unwind you. She does little things all right, I say that I've seen." 

Ashtyn~

"I think I'm gonna go out with Natalia tonight," I comment to Christian, looking at the leftover tea in my cup before pouring it into the sink. Christian nods as I look back to him, a hint of concern evident on his face. Something tells me even if I'd ask, he wouldn't tell me what it is. My educated guess is that he's still worried about whatever reaction I'd maybe have with the pain killer I'd been on.  "I'll be with Nat. I'll be fine." 

"I didn't say anything," Christian comments, shaking his head slightly, before giving me a small smile. "That's good, you should."

Nodding a little, I look back into the sink before grabbing the cup I'd been using and putting it in our dishwasher. "I should probably head to work." 

Christian's chair scuffing against the floor pulls my attention as he nods, "Alright well, I'll be here when you get back." 

Taking a breath, I nod as he joins me by the sink and dumps the rest of his coffee out before putting his cup in the dishwasher as well. Christian's hand rests gently on the small of my back before leaning in and kissing me gently. Something makes me pull away before he does. All I can do is give him a small smile before grabbing everything I need to head to work. 

Taking another shot, I look to Natalia and shake my head, "You know, if you'd have told me a year ago, all the shit that's happened to me now was going to happen, I'd have laughed in your face because how the fuck do you expect anyone to cope with this shit that's happened in nine fucking months."

"It's definitely fucked, dude," Natalia replies, taking her shot. "How are you doing?"

Scoffing, I shake my head, "Oh, just fantastic." The sarcasm drips from my tone as Nat lets out a laugh. "I just don't even know what to do anymore." 

"What do you mean?" Nat asks.

"I don't even know," I tell her sincerely, "I feel like now that Kacey is gone, there's no reason for me to stay with Christian. I love him, he's great, he loves me, he's not a total tool anymore, but I feel like the only reason we were together was Kacelyn." 

Nat doesn't say much immediately as I speak about what I've been feeling, "Honestly, I don't know that I'm surprised." 

"Right," I comment with a nod. "I don't know that he feels the same way."

"Have you talked to him about this?" Natalia asks me.

I can't help but scoff at the question, "How would I even start that conversation? Hey, I know we're engaged, and we're going through the unimaginable losing Kacey, but I don't think I actually love you." 

"Alright, yeah, I can see how that's hard." I nod as I stare into the glass in front of me. "What do you think you should do?"

"Honestly?" I ask looking at her once again, "I don't know. I've got a safety net with him. I know that. Kacey's gone, though, and she was our glue. He leaves for spring training soon though, maybe that'll make things seem more normal." 

"I don't know how you think that's going to make things more normal but," Nat replies with a small laugh. "Gives you both a little space away from everything, I guess."

"Right," I comment before shaking my head, "Can we change the subject? I wanted to come out to stop thinking about how fucked up my life is."  Natalia's loud laugh makes me smile a little as we make our way out to the dance floor, she pulls me by my hand, and we each hold our drinks in the other.