Just For Tonight

I'll Never.

"Baby why'd you have to leave me, why'd you have to go, I was counting on forever now I'll never know. . . Everybody's saying she's not coming home now, this can't be happening to me. This is just a dream." 

Christian~

Ashtyn's silent sobs break me even further. Nothing I can do or say is ever going to be anything that can take even a shred of this pain away from her. Helpless is all I can feel right now losing Kacey and now having to see Ashtyn going through the unimaginable. This isn't fucking fair. What happened to the happiness we got to share these last few months, how come we had to get that ripped away from us so devastatingly? 

Holding Ashtyn tightly in one arm I use my free hand to wipe my own tears from my face for the millionth time already today. How there are even tears left to be shed is beyond me. Ashtyn shaking as she sobs in my arms is going to make it almost impossible to stop though. She's been through to damn much to have to go through this too. 

God only knows how much time passes before her choked out, hyperventilating sobs fizzle into hiccupping whimpers more than anything. I've never wished to take the pain away from someone more than right now. Ashtyn never deserved this and she'd never do anything to deserve this. This is so fucking unfair. 

When the nurse comes in followed behind by Dr.Rowe, Ashtyn calms down and wipes under her eyes as if nothing were happening, as if the two of them would think anything less of her for grieving right now.  As if anyone would think any less of her for grieving especially with a loss like this. 

Dr.Rowe goes over everything with Ashtyn as they check on her vitals and the incision site. Ashtyn just sits there nodding and not saying anything. She doesn't say anything until they ask if she wants to see Kacey. "Can I be alone to see her?" is all she asks. The quiet nods from Dr.Rowe and her nurse are telling over their concern about Ashtyn but they don't question it before heading back out of the room. 

"Do you want me to go when they bring her in too?" I ask quietly wanting to know what she wants and what she needs right now.

"Have you seen her?" Ashtyn asks her eyes welling up once again. Crouching next to her bed I caress her hair gently as I nod, "Can I ask you to do that?" 

"Of course," I reply in a whisper, "Whatever you need right now Ash just ask." She nods a little closing her eyes a moment and letting the tears slip out again. Rubbing the back of her hand gently I pull it to my lips and kiss it gently as we wait for Ashtyn to get to meet and see Kacey. 

Hearing the door open again I look at Ashtyn to know what I need to do next for her if anything, this isn't a moment that anyone could ever prepare you for. Watching the emotions flash across Ashtyns face as she sits up slightly as the crib is wheeled in for her. The pain in her eyes as they find that beautiful baby girl is enough to break me again. Taking a breath my head drops slightly before I rub the back of Ashtyn's hand again and stand up seeing myself out of the room, I don't have the strength in me to see Kacelyn again. Not right now. Not when Ashtyn is seeing her for the first time.

Ashtyn~

Christian's abrupt departure draws the attention of Dr.Rowe and the nurse. How would I even begin to notice that though as my biggest fear has come true and I'm seeing my baby laying unmoving wrapped in a striped blanket as if she were just sleeping. My eyes are glued to her and her beauty as she's lifted gently and offered out to me. Taking her into my arms for the first time I can't hold onto this facade that I'm trying to force for them. The floodgates break as I see her precious little face for the first time and my mind races through a million different scenarios with her other than this one. 

Barely noticing Dr.Rowe and the nurse leave I just stare at my beautiful baby girl. Peaceful as can be for all the wrong reasons. I'd take her crying and screaming covered in whatever nasty stuff babies produce over this any fucking day. Any day. Sucking in a breath my whole body shakes as I cling to this baby girl in my arms wishing that my love was enough to bring her back. To keep her here with me. "My baby girl you deserved so much better," I tell her choking out through my sobs. "So much better baby girl. I love you. I love you. I love you." Kissing her head gently I clutch her to me as I sob over her. This isn't fair. This isn't okay. Why. Why me? Why Kacey? Why my baby?

Shaking as I mourn my baby girl I stare into her little face and fully take in all of her features. She's got dark hair like Christians, tiny little whispy lashes resting delicately on her heartbreakingly colorless cheeks, her tiny nose pointed up in the slightest amount over her defined cupid's bow, much like mine. Her beauty is overwhelming as I can't help but think of every other scenario imaginable than this, most of which have me in gone and have her still here. She'd never know the difference if it were me instead.

She'd grow up with Christian, playing catch in the backyard, he'd push her on the swing as she giggled screaming 'Higher daddy, higher!' her wavy curls blowing in the wind. She'd sit with Alecia and Christian's brothers cheering her daddy on at his games ice cream in one hand, a little baseball cap sat on her head, as she can't sit down because she's just so excited. Maybe she'd get a stepmom who'd be able to love her like she was her own and she wouldn't even have to know the feeling of not having me around. She'd never have to know any better and I didn't have to reimagine my life now that she's gone. February Birthdays are a lot gloomier now than what they should've been. Visits to a resting place instead of celebrations of another year with us smiling and laughing as she'd open up presents getting anything she wished for because Christian and I would've been able to do that for her. 

Why wasn't that enough? Why wasn't our love enough to keep her here? She'd have had the best life, she'd have her barbie dream house with a working elevator, she'd have had the newest American Girl doll if she'd wanted it, she'd have had the world if she'd have asked. Most importantly though she'd have all my love and all of Christians love and that should've been enough. It needed to be enough. We needed it to be enough. I need it to be enough. Why isn't it enough? 

Sucking in a sharp breath I just freeze in place sobbing as I hold my baby thinking about everything. I'll never get to change her diaper, I'll never feed her, I'll never bathe her, I'll never get to swaddle her up for bed, I'll never get to put her to bed, I'll never get to hold her for hours as she sleeps just staring at how beautiful she is. I'll never get to brush her hair or hold her hand as I take her to her first day of school. I'll never get to hang her drawings no matter how bad on my fridge and make sure she knows how proud of her I am and how awesome she did. I'll never get to be the tooth fairy or Santa or the Easter bunny for her. I'll never get to see her on Christmas day finding all of her presents and the milk and cookies gone. I'll never get to go to her school plays, recitals, and concerts. I'll never get to see and hear what she wants to be when she grows up or see what sports she wants to play. If it's softball or baseball like her dad, or something completely different. I'll never get to help her with relationship advice, or see what she wears to prom or graduate high school. I'll never get to experience being a mom. I'll never just get to be her mom. I carried her and loved her for nine months preparing for her to get here and for her to come home and now, I'll never get to. I'll never get to take her home, and that kills me.