Just For Tonight

Arms and Heart Empty.

"If we could only have this life, for one more day, if we could only turn back time." 

Ashtyn~

Staring into space I barely take in a word that's being said to me as the array of people in this stupid fucking room I've been in the last week gather the things I need and work on getting me discharged. Just me and no baby. Alex and Christian are both here neither of them having much to say as a wheelchair is rolled into the room for me. Something about leaving this room has my head and heart in all sorts of shambles. I should have my baby girl in my arms right now. We should've been leaving together. Not me and some piece of paper with the bottoms of her feet and the palms of her hands. 

Christian is the first person over to help me from the bed into the chair once everything is ready to go. Holding my arm he helps me stand up and get to the chair before helping me sit while holding it in place. Kacelyn should be with us right now. Taking a deep breath my gaze just shifts to the floor in the space between my feet. 

My world has crashed around me but the world continues on around me and it's not fair and there's nothing to help me stop the silent tears falling from my face. Being pushed down this god-forsaken corridor where I've lost everything and knowing that there are people having the happiest moments of their lives right now as I'm here living through my own living hell. I can't help but hate myself even more right now for the hatred I feel for these other women right now. Why do they get to have their moments and not me? Why am I here leaving this place with my arms and heart empty? 

Getting to Christian's car he offers me his hands, one of which wrapped up in a cast following the bathroom destruction I briefly heard about, as he helps me up once again before helping me into Alex's car. Given the pain meds I'm on and the orthopedic doctor's recommendation for Christian not to drive we didn't have much choice to do this on our own. Alecia came with Alex one day and visited as well as picked up Christian's car and brought it back to our house. This is so fucked up on so many levels and I don't know what to do or even think. 

"Ash do you want me to have Nat come over right away?" Alex asks as he starts to pull out of the parking space and the hole in my heart multiplies exponentially with every foot moved away. I don't know what he takes from my lack of an answer but there's no further questioning of anything as I stare out of my window and watch as we pull further and further away from the hospital my baby girl never got to leave. If every foot away the hole was exponentially bigger, at this rate there's absolutely nothing left to take.

Christian~

"What am I even supposed to do for her?" I ask Alex as we sit at Ashtyn and my kitchen island after Ashtyn fell asleep on the couch for the third night in a row and has been almost mute for the same amount of time. "It's not bad enough we had to lose Kacey but I don't know how to help Ashtyn either and I can't lose her too." 

Alex nods as he looks into his glass lips pursed to the side in thought as he shakes his head. He takes a deep breath in before looking at me and shaking his head, "I wish I could tell you, I really do man but I don't even know how to help her either." Alex looks back down and just stares for a minute before shaking his head again, "I've known that girl for probably twenty years now and of all the shit I've had to see her go through, I don't know that there's anything that could help this. Nat might know better than me but I don't want to overwhelm Ashtyn with people if that's not what she wants right now. Honestly, my mom might even be someone who could help her here but it's the same thing I don't want to force anyone on her before she's ready."

"So you're saying we're stuck in between a rock and a hard place?" I ask after not getting the answer I was looking for. 

"Pretty much," Alex answers before taking a drink, "Anything you need right now? Is there anything I can do for you? Obviously, Ashtyn's not the only one going through this."

Sighing I shake my head, "Not anything more than you've done and you've been doing. This all just fucking sucks and there's no way to even wrap my head around it but I'm so fucking terrified of losing Ashtyn too that it's hard to even want to think about how I'm feeling about everything because I know anything and everything I'm feeling has to be ten times worse for her right now."

Alex scoffs at me, "Such a man's answer right there." Chuckling slightly I nod knowing what point he's about to make, "No one is expecting you to be just okay in all of this. You lost as much as she did and I'm serious, if there's ever anything you need from me please just ask. Even if it's just to vent to and get some shit out that you don't want to do to Ashtyn or something just let me know. As much as you're afraid of losing Ashtyn, I am too and I know for a fact that losing you on top of this would make it almost impossible for me not to. That and as much as I would've hated to admit this a couple of months ago I do consider you a friend and I'd rather not lose you either just because you think your feelings might be less valid than Ashtyns." My jaw clenches a little as all I can do is stare at the space between my hands as I nod, we might not have gotten along the best to start off with but Alex is a really fucking good dude. Looking back up at him I give him a little bit of a forced smile as I can feel everything I've been holding in now beginning to come out. Alex catches on pretty quick too as he pulls me into a hug. 

Letting out these last three days of emotions I've been stocking up is insane as I just sob into Alex. This isn't fucking fair. Why didn't we get to bring Kacey home? Why does Ashtyn have to go through this now too after everything? Why did this even happen? Why us? How many times am I going to repeat these questions to myself as if I'm ever going to have an answer to any of them? God this is so fucked up and barely anyone even know yet. When it comes out I'm going to be out of spring training and probably the first week or two of the season there's really no hiding anything that's happened after that's public. We don't just get to mourn our loss in our own peace then and I can't stand that and I don't want any of that attention on Ashtyn. Never in my life have I ever felt so absolutely helpless.

God only knows how long I just let everything out to Alex before I calm back down again and he takes the opportunity to make light of things, "Besides if something happens to you who's gonna buy me flowers again?" I can't help but laugh at the comment as we let go of each other. 

"That was the moment you started liking me right?" I ask joking a little not even entirely sure of the answer myself. 

"I mean," Alex starts with a little smile, "It definitely was a step in the right direction, I think our conversation when you wanted to buy Ashtyn that ring and actually propose was what did it for me though. That was the first moment where I knew you were serious and not just trying to fix your reputation or something." 

"Can't even blame you for that," I reply using the sleeve of my shirt to wipe my face, "I'll spend the rest of my life regretting those first few months and I don't think there's anything I can do about that especially with where we are now." 

"Well, if it's any consolation anyone who it matters to has forgiven and moved on from that." Nodding I just give him a small smile before looking towards the couch where Ashtyn is sound asleep. How could she not be though with the meds she's on and her body healing all while still forcing her to deal with all the hormones and side effects of having a baby even though we don't actually get to have a baby. God I wish I could take any of this pain from her.