being married

i.

o n e

Being married is dull.

Being married is dull and boring.

Everything is so, so... Repetitive.

I'm home everyday cleaning and cooking and running errands before my husband comes home. And when he does it's like he's not. It's like he's not even home.

He's constantly to himself and quiet. He doesn't even say something when he wants to make love. Ha! Make love? We haven't done that since our honeymoon a year ago. All he wants to do now is fuck. Like right now, at this very moment, he's pleasing himself with my body.

He definitely loves it rough. He's completely disregarding the tear running down the corner of my eye even though he's staring right at me.

His grits his teeth and a groan escapes his lips. I feel him tense above me while he releases his load inside of me. I guess he's done. I quickly wipe the tear away after he rolled over unto his side of the bed with his back facing me. I slip my hands around him and press my chest against his back but he just pushes me off.

I lay there on my back looking up at the ceiling asking myself, 'Are you happy? Are you really happy?'

What's there not to be happy about? I have a somewhat of a loving husband, a nice big house in a somewhat lovely neighborhood... That's pretty much it. I get to buy whatever I want but I only want one thing I can't buy.

A baby.

My own flesh and blood.

I turned to face my husband. I ran a finger down his back, he always hated when I did this. He said it made him weak and willing to do whatever I want. "Chris?"

"What?" Maybe he lied just to keep me happy.

"Let's have a ba-.. Can we have a baby?" I couldn't believe I just asked for a baby.

He turned to me in a quick motion, "Are you on your birth control? Did you take them today?"

"Y-yes." I couldn't bare to look into his eyes because I knew for sure that he was steaming like a train.

He relaxed a bit when he heard I had taken the pills this morning. "Honey, you know I'd love to have kids but we can't right now. It's really busy at work and I want to spend as much time with my kids when they're born."

"Okay, I'm sorry I asked." I said turning away from him and pulling the duvet closer to my face. He pulled me closer to his body before I could register that he had his hands on my waist. "It's okay. The time will come soon." He had the nerve to accept an apology... But I actually had the nerve to give him one. He wrapped his hand around me and started kissing my hair, ear and neck. He slid his hand down my stomach and cupped my sex. I could feel his growing erection poking me in my behind. "How much do you love me?" He asked while grinding himself against me.

He was insatiable. I knew that since we first met. He always wanted more.

I turned around slowly and kissed his lips then neck. I didn't want to answer because I didn't know what to say. Love is something that I haven't felt in a long time. "I want you inside me."

You can guess what happened next.

I woke up gracefully on top of Chris. I took the time to just observe his features. His pink lips were slightly parted and his chest rose and fell. The sun glistened on his tanned skin. I reached to brush away a stray strand of hair but he grabbed my hand before I could. "Don't disrupt me." He let go of my hand and groaned when the alarm went off. He pushed me off of him then sat up, swinging his feet over the side of the bed. "Do you know what five seconds of sleep could've done for me?" Did he really just say that when he was up all night having sex?

"Seriously?" I said sitting up. "You didn't say that last night."

"What did you say?" He boomed. At the sound of his voice, all the courage I had inside just depleted and I just lowered myself unto my pillow. "N-nothing. I'm sorry." I can imagine myself as a whimpering little puppy with a bark but no bite.

"It better be." He stormed off into the bathroom leaving me feeling like the weakling I am.

He came out the bathroom no more than 15 minutes later with his towel hanging low on his hips. He had such an amazing body mainly because he works out more than the amount of time he spends at home. "What are you staring at?" Chris said cockily.

"Why don't you stay home? Just for today." I begged, running my hands over the empty space in the bed.

He sighed, "You know I can't."

Actually I don't.

He got dressed while I slipped on a big tee and went to make some coffee for him. "I need you to bring me my lunch today.."

"Okay." I handed him his coffee and took a sip of mine. "Do you love me?"

"Huh? Did you say something?"

I shook my head. He was too busy sending messages to realize what I said but I was too afraid to repeat myself. Knowing him, he'll make a big fuss and avoid answering the question then I'll be begging him to stop making such a big deal out of the situation and then I'll find myself across the counter with him between my legs.

Our life was so repetitive.

I am so forgiving.

And he was so... Hard to satisfy.

He placed a quick kiss on my cheek, "I love you." I just smiled at him and fixed his suit. I could feel his deep blue eyes piercing holes into my forehead. "Look at me." I kept my head down and fixed his tie. "I said to fucking look at me!" He tugged on my hair making me look up at him. Water began to fill my eyes but I tried to keep a brave face. "Mya, I said I love you." He patiently awaited my response.

"I love you too." He nodded and gave me a small praise as if I was his little bitch. 'Good girl.' Pathetic, I am pathetic. Do I really love you? He pressed his lips against mine before saying, "Wear those crotchless panties when you bring my lunch." And then he left with that.