broken//matthew espinosa

Chapter 15: anxiety

[LISTEN TO NOTHING LIKE US BY JUSTIN BIEBER WHILE READING THIS OMGNOSBOBEOBOB)

stephanie
My grandmother died 4 years ago. I was 12 at the time, and didn't understand that things like this don't just happen in the movies. I was so close to my grandmother. God I loved her so much. I remember how hard it was to watch her being buried. I remember seeing her cold body lay in the casket. I remember seeing them place her in the ground. I was standing right beside the workers when they placed her in the ground. I remember wanting to jump in the ground with her and wanting to die with her. My dad had to pull me back, and keep me from jumping. After everyone had left, I sat on the grass by her grave, and read her name over and over again.
Marie.
Marie.
Marie.
My black dress had stains all over it. Tear stains, grass stains, dirt stains. I keep that dress in a box in my closet. I hide it so my mom won't throw it out. It reminds me of my grandmother. Ever since the day she died, life has not been kind. My dad left us, my mom became an alcoholic. Things were bad. Things are bad.
I walk into school and I see him. He's wearing his hoodie and sweats. I wish I could just go up to him and hug him. I need him right now. But I can't. It's to hard to look at him. I walk past him and I feel like he's staring at me. I open my locker and grab my books for first period. I walk past Matt again and look up at him. His face looks grey and his eyes look sad and tired. They look kind of reddish. He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. I walk inside the classroom and take a seat next to a girl named Charlotte. She's friends with Amy, which puts her pretty high on the popularity chart. She looks over my outfit and smirks.
"I like your shirt." She says.
"Thank you." She nods.
"Hey. You seem pretty cool. Want to come to my party this weekend?" Was she talking to me?
"Uh yeah I guess."
"Great. See you this weekend." The teacher walks in and I just keep thinking about how I was invited to her party. How? Why? Second period comes and of course, it's with Matt. I walk in and see Matt sitting with Amy. He has his arm around her, and he's smiling at her. She smirks and kisses his lips. I sit in my usual spot and take out my sketch book, drawing a broken heart. Wow, I really missed him.
-------skip to the weekend--------
I slip on a lilac colored dress and nude flats. I didn't put any makeup on, just a lip balm. I look at myself in the mirror and sigh. I guess I looked okay. I make my way out the door and drive to the address the Charlotte gave me. My heart starts racing once I see thy her house Is covered with cars on the lawn. I grab my bag, which has my anxiety medication in it. I've had anxiety ever since my grandmother died. Anxiety sucks. I walk up to the door and take a deep breath. I walk inside and my ears fill with music. It's so he and everyone's sweating. So far, I see no one I know. I walk inside and close the door behind me. I walk through the crowds of people, until I find myself in the kitchen. A boy is mixing drinks and 3 girls are watching him. I walk out of the kitchen and walk upstairs to fid a bathroom or something. I reach the top of the stairs and there's a group of boys smoking and drinking.
"Heyyyy." One of them slurs. Someone whistles and I look behind me to see Cole, standing there with a drink in his hands. I walk up to him and take the drink out of his hand.
"What happened to you?" I ask him.
"What do you mean, babe?" I roll my eyes and start to walk away, but he grabs my wrist and pulls me back.
"Cole, let me go!" I tell him. He smiles and places his lips on mine. I try to pull away but he keeps pulling me back into him.
"I'm not doing this again, Cole!" I tell him.
"You fucking love me." He says. He places his lips back on mine.
"Cole, leave her alone." Someone says. Cole pulls away and looks at the guy.
"What the fuck do you want Matthew? I'm just trying to have a little fun." He walks up to Cole and Cole starts to push him around. Matt pushes him back and he stumbles to the floor. I stare at Matt and walk past him to go back downstairs.
"So that's it? I save you from getting raped and you jut walk away?" He says. I look at Matt and then keep walking. I walk back to the kitchen and see the same guy mixing drinks.
"Most alcoholic thing here." I tell him. He nods and hands me a gold liquid. I drink it quickly and then her edible my cup. Three cups later I'm grinding on a guy on the dance floor.
"Let's take this upstairs." He whispers in my ear. I nod and bite my lip, as he leads me upstairs. He pulls me into a room and it all goes blank from there.