broken//matthew espinosa

Chapter 31: higher than the empire state

[LISTEN TO WAITING BY ALICE BOMAN FOR FULL AFFECT]

matthew
I look myself in the mirror and tilt my head up.
"Matt, you can have fun sometimes." I say to myself. I sigh and walk down the stairs, past my mom who's on the phone, and too engaged in conversation to notice me. I start driving to Nash's house, and each time I sit down, I imagine her sitting right next to me.
And no, I am not talking about Stephanie.
I'm talking about Danielle.
Her sweet perfume always over powered my cologne, and whenever I placed my hand on her thigh she would jump. She would call me a "fuck boy", and I would always laugh, saying that I'm not. I look over to the seat and frown.
"You killed her." Is all my mind thinks. I did this. I did that. I did it. I regret that night. I reach Nash's house and his front lawn smells like alcohol. A couple is pushed against the wall, and I can already tell Nash over did it, again. I walk into the party and walk straight to the kitchen. People are there grabbing beers, and I grab one for myself. I sit down on one of the bar stools and open the can. I take a sip and it reminds me of a bad memory. I remember I used to drink away the pain. What a horrible idea that was. I regret doing that. I regret driving with Danielle. I regret..
"Hey buddy!" Nash comes behind me and hits my back. I put down the can and force a smile.
"Hey." I say to him. He smiles and grabs a can of beer out if the cooler. He opens it up and leans in the granite counter.
"So what's up?" He asks me. I shrug.
"Nothing much." He smiles. Hannah pulls his arm and kisses him.
"Let's dance!" She yells over the music. Nash smiles and looks at me.
"I'll be right back!" And he's swept into the crowd of high schoolers. I finish my can of beer, and grab another one. Then another one. And another. I stand up and walk over to the hallway, where kids are smoking weed and inhaling cocaine. I walk into the family room where everyone is dancing, and a girl starts grinding on me. She pulls me into the living room and sits me down. She gets on my lap and starts making out with me. Then I snap out of it. I push her off of me and walk out of the house.
"Where are you going?" Nash asks.
"I can't do this. I shouldn't be here." I tell him. I turn around and there's Nash, standing right behind me. He's holding a pack of cigarettes. I quickly grab them out of his hand and stare at him.
"Where did you get these?"
"Matt, people are smoking weed. These are pretty easy to get." He laughs. I laugh a bit, as Nash opens the box. The smell of the tobacco brings back memories. Nash takes one and lights it. He places it in his mouth, and hands one to me. I take one and do the same. We lean on my car, and blow the smoke out of our mouths.
"This is so weird." Nash said.
"You've never tried a cigarette?" I ask him. He shakes his head.
"My mom would never ever let me do this." He laughs.
"Where's your mom?" I ask him.
"She's on a business trip with my dad. Hayes is at a friends house." I nod and continue to inhale the cigarette.
"Have you ever gotten high?" He asks me. I nod.
"What's it like?" He asks me. I shrug.
"It's kind of like being drunk. But your not aware of where you are. When I was high, I didn't know where I was. It's hard to explain." I laugh. He nods.
"Want to get high?" He asks, all exited. I nod and follow Nash into the house. I stop at the door and look up at the sky.
"I'm sorry." I whisper.