Classroom of the Elite:SS Collection

I'm sorry (Ayanokoji Kiyotaka)

"The moment your true self is revealed, people who you think are by our sides, would be the first ones to turn their backs on you."

I suddenly remembered what 'that man' had said just a month earlier. He had come to the school for the second time to warn me or to be more accurate to threaten me. Of course, that had no way of working on me.

But I couldn't help but contemplate on what 'that man' had said. 

Although I don't want to use that term, I am a monster if I do say so myself. And the fact that I am aware of that makes me even more monstrous or will it be right to say that I was already mad.

I am an emotionless and heartless person. I view people as nothing but mere tools which made me similar to 'that man'. But we were fundamentally different from each other. And it was the fact that whether we choose to ignore the ignorant or lend a hand. And I was of the latter.

But it doesn't change the fact that I, too, use people for my own benefit and convenience.

Ever since a child, I had always had curiosity and an endless one at that.  No matter what or how much I learned, the hunger was never satisfied.

For that reason, I decided to enroll in Tokyo Advanced Nurturing High School, and the other reason was so I could go against 'that man'. 

After enrolling here, I think I did manage to learn a fair bit about the world of the ignorant. And it was entertaining. The way they worked hard to reach their goals, the joy that they felt when they achieved what they sought, and the sadness that they felt when they couldn't achieve their goals; watching from the sidelines, felt pretty pleasant.

I got to interact with them and had managed to get closer to them albeit a little bit.

But that was because they were ignorant. They didn't know who exactly I was and what exactly I was capable of. There were certainly few people who had an inkling of my true self but they didn't know the full extent of it. And Kei was no exception.

She was an existence that boys my age would hold the most precious. Although I used her to my benefit and got into a relationship with her, it was just so I could understanding what people called 'love'. 

But things were different now. I don't know whether it counts as love or not, but I have built a certain attachment to her. She has now become someone irreplaceable in life. And that fact is what I am getting worried about right now.

I have a feeling that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But therein lies a big problem.

Let us suppose that, after graduation, I did manage to escape and I did manage to stay together with her. If I proposed the idea of being on run for the whole life, so as not to be caught by 'that man', she would without a doubt agree. I had a feeling that she would do anything if it meant that she could be with me. I honestly felt glad that there was someone who could go to that lengths for someone like me.

If she agreed to that then I know that she wouldn't be able to be happy. She would definitely say things like 'I am just happy to be with you.' or something like that but she would never really be able to enjoy her life. And I didn't want that. 

She was exposed to intense bullying and because of that, she didn't get to enjoy her childhood. And if she were to keep associating with me then nothing good was going to come out of it. And I didn't want that to happen.

If someone were to ask what my true feelings were or what I really wanted to do then my answer would be, no doubt, to stay with her. But I couldn't ruin her life because of my own selfish desires.

If I were to be selfish and run together with Kei, then 'that man' wouldn't allow us to take a single breath of peace and I couldn't afford to destroy the happiness that she is supposed to get as someone's beloved or wife. And I am also not sure whether I could give her the sort of love that she sought, for the monster I was.

So, I have already decided on my next course of action.

I would sever my ties with her. That would be probably hard on her. She would probably lose hope but I know that she would get over it soon, for the strong girl she was. After all, her spirit wasn't broken in the slightest even after being ostracized and bullied to the extreme, when she was still a little innocent child. So, she would probably get over it soon. I hope she would.

I propelled myself from my bed and made my way outside the dorms. When I looked at the black, nightless sky, it reminded me of the darkness that I possessed.

I wonder what would have happened if I were a normal boy and had met her under normal conditions. Would I have been able to spend my whole life with her? These pointless conjectures didn't matter anymore. My fate was set in stone and I couldn't let Kei suffer because of the fate that I carried. So, I would sever my ties with her.

When I thought about what she would have to go through tomorrow I couldn't help but think that how ridiculous it was. After all, Kei, for her own sake,  would have to suffer herself.

I am sorry, Kei.