At the pinnacle of her career, orthopedic surgeon Ava King conquers the lucrative medical field of London.
A wild and intimate night with competitive Formula One driver James Ellis ends with Ava being stood up. The rejection leads her straight into...
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These past two weeks have been a bit of a blur. The first week flew by in a haze of confusion and pain and as desperately as I am to settle in and recover, I'm simply too exhausted to do anything but sleep.
Truthfully, it isn't entirely pain related. I'm afraid of going to sleep. Every night I relive the trauma of what happened... with him. And her.
Each night my mind's version of the events become more and more warped. Apart from the obvious rape, there's the occasional murder, abduction or a combination of all three involving my loved ones.
I find James dead and hanged the one night.
Sebastian beaten into a pulp the next.
Adam abducted.
Gianna and Iris raped.
I know I'm keeping James and Adam up. And for some reason I sleep better when one (or the one night, both) of them crash with me.
I understand why Jamie thought I'd need my own space in order to get settled in but it's not working. As much as the alpha female inside of me would like to admit that she can do this on her own, as I had after Daniel, in my heart and head, I know I can't do this or get through this, without James. I need him. More than I'd like to admit.
And I need my people, too.
But I've been an appalling friend.
As they had promised, Iris and Gianna took turns to keep me company last week but I couldn't open the door. I was exhausted. But I guess I'm also not ready to face them.
I'm riddled with guilt. I brought Gabriel back into Iris's life. I'm the reason why he kidnapped Maya. The trauma I've put my friend through for an above average fuck is beyond me.
And Gianna. The horrors she's had to hear both Iris and myself recount? I saw it in her taut, sharp jaw, the terror her eyes held when I gave my statement about what happened to me.
I feel ashamed. Dirty. And a pathetic excuse for a woman, mother and friend.
And I know it's not my fault. He knew that this is exactly how I'd feel and that I'd push everyone around me away, essentially guaranteeing his prophetic words of no one else having me.
___________________
I've been told routine is important. So here goes:
After seeing Adam off, my mornings are spent in my room. I do some of my physical therapy exercises, enter my latest fucked up dream into a dream journal, try to do a bit of reflecting and processing in an actual journal and then I usually drift off.
James is sometimes home by lunch time so we'll sit together and eat. And even though I'm not much of the conversationalist these days, I love hearing about his day and the preparations for his next race. Which I'm dreading because it'll mean being a few nights away from him. God, I'm pathetic.
