Grishaverse Oneshot Collection

Imperfections {Kaz Brekker}

Summary: All the the things about youself that you see as flaws, Kaz Brekker notices as the closest to heaven he'll ever get.

Warnings: None.

Kaz Brekker never really liked perfection.
Perfection never meant flawless. Nothing was flawless, at least not in the world he lived.
Not the houses, not the stores or the streets and most certainly not the people.
Perfection wasn't real.
Flawlessness didn't exist.
Kaz knew how to always be ahead of everyone else and how to make things work.
Kaz did not know, how to overcome the war inside of him.
That was the thing about it.
One thing that was good would be made up by another that wasn't.
But she was good. She was pure and nice and pretty and not the kind you'd consider being part of the Dregs. Y/n was probably the closest thing to said perfection that Kaz had ever seen in the entire Barrel. Kaz saw her flaws.
He didn't care.
He didn't consider them to be flaws. He saw nothing but normal aspects about her. He praised Y/n for all the things she didn't like about herself.
He saw the stretch marks, the pimples, the messed up hair, the short, nibbled off nails.
He saw her dry lips and he cought himself wondering if they tasted like the cherry lipgloss she applied every morning when she joked around with Nina and Jesper.
He saw the body, with every pound that she considered one too much, and he wished to touch her, just touch her, without thinking of Jordie. Without feeling pain and panic.
Kaz Brekker heard the words she'd lay awake about, regretting them, and Kaz Brekker admired her for her way of talking. For every time she talked before thinking, for every time she blushed when she noticed.
He looked to her when she was shy and scared and didn't dare to say a word, when she just wished to be someone else, somewhere
else and Kaz considered it one of the
bravest things in the world, that she
still stood there and tried.
Kaz knew about every little thing Y/n has been through. And he admired her for every day she still stood up and pushed through.
It was never the question what she had done and for what reason, or on what way, no matter how horrible it may seem.
She regretted the things she did. She thought about ways to change. She wanted to be better.
Y/n always wanted to be better.
And that, Kaz thought, was the closest thing to purity the Barrel had to offer.
So every day when Kaz walked past her, every day he ignored the way his heart skipped faster, he wondered if there were saints and if she was one of them.
That something so beautiful could only be a part of his world, if she was the good thing to make up for his flaws.
And he didn't dare to touch her, or talk to her, simply because he feared he would take that one good thing and would mess it up, the way he messed up everything good.
Y/n questioned if Kaz Brekker hated her.
He ignored her, he avoided answering her questions and when he thought she didn't notice, he would stare at her on a way that made her wonder what was so wrong about herself. Sure, she was flawed. She couldn't talk to people she didn't know, she was incapable to use knives and she always tried to stay in the back on missions. But she could shoot like the devil and she always tried her best, she really did. Maybe he had noticed.
Maybe Kaz had noticed how Y/n would blush when he was around, or how she tried to look anywhere, just not into his eyes.
Saints beware what she would do, if only she would look into his eyes.
Y/n loved him. She couldn't help it and she never meant to feel this way.
When she entered the Dregs she was barely fourteen. She had escaped the place she used to consider home, the hell, and from all people in the world, it was Kaz who found her and took her in. And she would hate him for it.
She hated owning people anything, it felt so wrong and like a trap.
But Kaz never made her feel trapped, he would always let her know that if she wanted it, she could leave.
The investment had paid itself off.
Being part of the Dregs was surely not considered being a functioning member of society. And it surely did not make her a good person. She tried to be, but how could you between all the hurting and killing?
And Y/n wasn't pretty. Not like Inej or Nina were. She was insecure and shy and she showed that to the world. Insecure over the pimples, or hipdips, or every pound that was one too much. Insecure about the days her hair just wouldn't fall the right way. Insecure, every time she looked into a mirror. Y/n hated herself for it. So she didn't question why he would stare at her anymore. The Bastard of the Barrel could never, ever love the girl who wasn't the best in anything. He couldn't love her, if she didn't even love herself.
Saints, but Kaz Brekker did.