Grishaverse Oneshot Collection

Recovery {Kaz Brekker}

Summary: Y/n is looking back and coming in terms with her eating disorder. Kaz tries to help her through it.

Warnings: Eating disorder.

There were good days. There were also days where everything was too much. When the emotions overcame Y/n and threw her back into that wheel she tried so hard to escape. Then a simple question could pull her trigger, maybe a statement. When Nina asked her to go out to get waffles or when she stood up and a piece of clothing was tighter than it used to be.
But it wasn't just the feeling of weighting too much, having a bit too much fat on her body that just wouldn't leave. It wasn't just the process of completely skipping meals.

For Y/n, it was also about control.

When everything in her life got messy and she wasn't sure how to handle it, when she really would never be able to sort something out, she tried to hold onto something that was in her control. She didn't even feel bulimic or anorexic. The day she stepped foot into Ketterdam she slowly got the control back that she had lost. She succeeded on missions. She worked herself up. She met Kaz. That made it easier. It kept her busy. She stopped vomiting without even realising.
But there were these days.
So she skipped meals. The worst part was, that she wasn't getting thinner. Her hair was starting to fall out and she was weaker than she used to be. But not thinner.

Inej was the first to notice that something was off. That she barely ate. Wylan was the next to notice. Nina followed. And before Y/n had even realised, almost all of the Crows knew that something was going on. Almost.
It took Kaz longer than the others. He only noticed when they started encouraging her. That was painful, because she loved him and it felt a tiny bit like a betrayal, that everyone realised before he did. Even when he knew, he didn't come to talk to her. After two days that he had spent locked in his attic, he nocked at her door to talk. She wasn't really sure what to say. He asked a few questions she couldn't answer, even to herself. Then he stopped talking at all. He wasn't sure what to do. This wasn't something he knew how to handle. This was too fragile, connected to too many emotions. So for the first time, Kaz decided to do what the others did first. He asked Inej how he should act too.

They gave her small portions, but if she didn't show up to eat something they brought it up to her and waited until she finished. They also stayed with her a few more hours. She gambled with Jesper, Inej read to her. Matthias tried to teach her a few words in his language. Wylan helped her to paint her walls a new colour. Nina did her makeup. Kaz asked her into his office almost everyday. They chattered, sometimes she helped him with the papers. Then Kaz taught her how to pick a lock. They distracted her. Soon, she started forgetting why she did it. It suddenly felt wrong and stupid.

When a few months had passed, it felt almost entirely forgotten. She pushed trough every day, doing things she never thought she would do. When things were worse, she stumbled into Kaz office. He'd gave her a soft smile, putting his work aside and taking her out.
He bought her a dagger once. Another time he took her to the docks. Sometimes they even went to the Crow Club. When they gambled, he'd let her win. He never did that, only for her. On her worst day, they fed pigeons in a park.
It was something Kaz considered crazy and problematic, pigeons annoyed him more than anything, but the way her face lightened up so brightly, the way she grinned and giggled, even when they almost bit her felt so pure. Y/n looked so happy. So it was worth it.

Then there was the night. It was one they never talked about again. It was almost 3am, Kaz was still working, when she stumbled into his room in a nightgown. Kaz was surprised, he surely didn't expect her. But the moment he realised the young woman had tears streaming down her face, he immediately stood up.
They just sat on the edge of his bed for some time, without exchanging a word. The gap between them felt huge. Suddenly all the words spilled out, so fast that Kaz struggled to follow. All her fears, all the reasons behind the things she did to herself. It was the first time she talked about it. Kaz simply listened. By the time she had finished, it was almost 4am.

Kaz sighed deeply. He wanted to give her everything in that moment, so she would know that she wasn't alone. That he was there. He wasn't wearing his gloves, he never did when he wrote something down. So Kaz closed his eyes once, breathed in and touched her cheek to brush away the tears.
He wished it was something that wasn't bothering him. That it felt warm and alive and like comfort. But it didn't. It felt like dead flesh, like the sea, dull. It felt like Jordie.
So he pushed away quickly, but still smiled.
He still did it. And Y/n got calmer.
"Thank you, Kaz. Thank you."
Was all she simply said.

So maybe her touch didn't feel like home.
Her words did.

And maybe she didn't love herself.
But Kaz did.

And he reassured her of that every day. Letting her know how beautiful she was to him, pointing out little details she didn't even notice herself. The way she fidgeted her hair, how perfectly reddish her lips looked. He pointed out these things, so she forgot about those she never accepted. To only see the perfect ones.

And so, through the words of the other one, they recovered.