Grishaverse Oneshot Collection

Touch starved {Kaz Brekker}

Summary: Y/n seeks out towards Kaz. Kaz moves away. Both happens naturally. But how will that work out?

Warnings: Angsty, Touch aversive and touch deprived

It was a rainy day in the Barrel, the Slat was filled with most of the Dregs. The Crows sat together at one of the tables, gambling. At least that was the plan, but they were mostly just joking about Jesper, who already lost all of his money. It was a comfortable moment, a calm one. These were rare.
Y/n sat close to Kaz, as close as the Bastard of the Barrel allowed anyone to be. She wanted to be closer. She has longed for closeness for years, something she has always been lacking in her life. The feeling grew stronger these past months. The urge to be close to Kaz. It was painful, something she couldn't have. She knew she had to respect his boundaries. She wasn't the problem, Kaz just went through alot of shit. But it was hard to believe that, once you tried to seek out for someone for months without getting anything in return.

But in that moment Y/n wasted no thoughts to that. She was way too caught up in the conversation the Crows had.
She layed her hand on Kaz' leg completely naturally, unintentionally. It took only a minute until that caused Dirtyhands to stand up and, without another word, walk up to his attic. Such moments happened regularly. Y/n really didn't mean to disrespect his boundaries, she tried her best not to, but it was simply her instinct to seek out for that kind of closeness.

So later that same day, she layed in Kaz' bed, after she had followed him upstairs. His bed was comfortable and warm. Most importantly, his bed was the closest thing she got to his hugs. Wrapped in the blanket, his smell all around her. Her eyes were teary, she had a bad day. Kaz was sitting on his desk, doing paperwork. He didn't notice how horrible she felt today.
He was way to deep into all the things he had to keep track of, all these numbers.
Kaz only looked up when he thought he had heard a sob from the girl in his bed.
"Did you say something?" He asked, wrinkling his forehead. She shook her head, but Kaz only saw the blanket move a bit.

"What's wrong?" He then asked, but she didn't answer. Instead, there was another sob.
Kaz placed his pen on the table and stood up to walk towards his bed. She pressed his blanket onto her mouth, to muffle the sounds.
Kaz looked at his girl, confused and worried.
He sat down at the edge of the bed, keeping his distance, brushing away the hair in her face with his gloved hand.
"You gotta talk, or else I can't help you, you know?" He said. She nodded.
"So?" He urged her to talk.

She shrugged. "Kaz, I feel so lonely. And unloved. Unlovable." He narrowed his eyes.
"Don't you think that's a bit random, Y/n?" He asked. She sobbed another time, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
"It's not. I'm so sorry, Kaz. I shouldn't feel like this, I know what I've signed up for when we got together. I just can't help it. I'm so, so sorry." She had the instinct to take his hand in hers, but Kaz twitched away and she could feel the tears flowing again.

Dirtyhands felt helpless. Comforting someone wasn't exactly anything he was good at.
He sighed, while Y/n started crying harder again. "I'm so sorry." She pressed out.
"I'm a horrible person. A horrible girlfriend."
"Don't be ridiculous. There's no need for you to have these worry's. I didn't even give you a reason to feel like that." He assured, which cause her to sit up and scoff slightly.
"You didn't? So twitching, moving away anytime I intend to touch you isn't a reason?"
Kaz opened his mouth, prepared to answer, but Y/n continued talking.

"I know it's nothing I have done. It's just so hard to believe it. I want to feel appreciated, Kaz. That feeling of closeness, comfort. Saints, I want to feel that comfort. I've never felt it and I imagined once I would be with someone who I love that would finally come to me. For me, touch brings that comfort. Holding hands, leaning against each other, kissing, sex, Kaz. And it's nothing I can ever ask of you. That hurts." She said, pulling her legs up and wrapping her arms around them.

"You knew I don't do that stuff. You've been here since I've been part of the Dregs. You've seen me pulling myself together. You've seen me wearing the gloves since the very beginning. I told you about Jordie. I wanted you to know what you would sign up for, because the last thing I wanted was for you to feel this way." Kaz sounded hurt. Y/n started nibbling her nails. She couldn't look into his eyes. "I know. I thought it works. But it's so much harder than I could've guessed, Kaz. I've never been touched in my entire life. I'm used to that. I didn't thought that having someone I'd love would cause these feelings to rise inside of me."

Her gaze fell to his gloved hands and she sighed. "If you could only hold me. Just hold me. I think that would make me feel safe and secure. I know you can't. I won't ask that from you. I don't know why this is so hard for me. I can't explain this. But I just want someone to hold me, just once." Kaz held his breath.
He wanted to. He wanted to hold her, to comfort her. To be by her side the way she needed him to. But if he would feel to much of her skin on his, he would go insane. They had worked on it and he could bear skin to skin contact in the slightest ways. But only on good days.

Kaz carefully wrapped his arms around the crying girl. She was still in his blanket, Kaz was still wearing his gloves. Her skin didn't touch his in any way. But Kaz felt nervous, anxious for that to happen. He didn't breathe, he closed his eyes and didn't dare to open them.
Y/n cried out again, loudly. He felt so good. Being close to him did. Comforting and warm and like home. And she never wanted to let him go again. But Y/n could feel Kaz tremple, so the young woman carefully pushed him away.

"Don't force yourself. Don't do that. Not for me, or else you will hate to touch me even more in the future. Thank you for trying, but don't do it. Not like this, at least." She sobbed one last time. There was a moment of silence. "What are we going to do now?"
Kaz asked. He wasn't looking in her direction. They both moved away from each other, once the hug had ended. There was a distance between them, that was filled with a bunch of emotions that neither of them could sort anywhere. Y/n shrugged.
"I have no idea Kaz. But I think we're slowly killing ourselve."