Grishaverse Oneshot Collection

Shower 2 {Kaz Brekker}

Summary: Y/n and Kaz talk about the chances they have for a future. Fluff, Angst.

Warnings: Kaz talks about his past and trauma.

Kaz Brekker was embarrassed.
It was something so unlikely, something absolutely crazy. The bastard of the barrel was never embarrassed. He made others embarrassed for the things he did.
But he couldn't pull this move on Y/n.
And, for fucks sake, Kaz couldn't stop worrying what would happen if she would tell anyone.
The tension between them was visible, even to blind eyes. The crows could easily guess that something had happened between.
They just couldn't figure out what exactly.

Y/n wasn't embarrassed at all. She never felt this confident in her entire life.
There really wasn't a reason to be, he was the one that walked in on her showering, he was the one who decided she was attractive enough to stay. He decided she was worth it. Of course that pushed her confidence.
Y/n was mercilessly teasing Dirtyhands with nonsense, that only the two could understand.
Kaz was always looking away, scoffing as if it was nonsense to him too, but they all knew better. Something had made Kaz Brekker uncomfortable, and the Bastard of the Barrel tried his best to not let anybody see it.

It was a thursday, to be exact four days after the incedent. Y/n was gambling with Jesper, clearly winning and giggling after she took yet another shot of vodka.
„Jesper, you hideous idiot, if you're loosing another round I demand two shots!" The women cried out, slapping her cards on the table to reaveal a royal flush. Jesper sighed. „If anything, I'm not hideous. I'm breathtaking, bet that Wylan will confirm that. But if I win, you will pay me back everything I've lost today, darling."
Wylan leaned against Jesper, looking between his two friends, knowing well that Jesper would loose either way.
„Maybe you should let it be now."
„No way!" Y/n gasped. „I'm not going to end the evening already. I have nothing to do tomorrow next to going out for waffles with Nina in the evening. If I have the chance to sleep in late, I at least want to have a valid reason for that. And that is either staying up for hours or having a hangover."
Both, Wylan and Jesper chuckled softly. „Maybe you should stop drinking anyways. You already had enough." Wylan noticed now. Y/n made a grimace. "But that would be so boring."
In that moment she looked to the door and spotted Kaz Brekker himself entering the Slat. „Anyways both, enjoy youself. I think I just found my alternative." She winked and stood up, walking towards Kaz.

„What do you want Y/n?" Dirtyhands asked, without even looking at her. „Why do you think that I want anything from you?" Y/n asked sweetly, looking up to him with big eyes. Kaz sighed.
„Because the entire week you only ever approached me to bother me." Kaz walked the stairs up to his attic.
Y/n looked back to Jesper and Wylan, grinned and followed the Bastard of the Barrel.
Right before his door, he turned around on his heel, causing her to pause only inches away from him.
She didn't dare to breathe, but she could feel his breath on her skin.
„Listen, I know what I did shouldn't have happened. But it's not something you should tell anyone either, for both of our sake."
She breathed in deeply once.
„It didn't bother me."

„What?"
Kaz asked, almost surprised.
„If it would've bothered me, I would have said something while you were still in the bathroom. I didn't. Kaz, your presence never bothers me." Her voice was so low, that it only reached him as a whisper.
Kaz looked down the floor, before he opened
his door and walked into his room. She sighed, but the moment she looked into his face, she realised he expected her to follow him.
Once she was in, he closed the door behind her again. The young women watched silently as Kaz undressed his coat and hat.

"What do you expect me to do with that information." Kaz turned to her again, when he had finished. Y/n shrugged.
"I just felt like you deserved to know. There's no need for you to feel bad about it." She told him honestly. "I know I'm stunning, I would've stayed too." The young women then joked.
She didn't know how to keep the conversation serious, when the situation was something so unlikely.

If Kaz could, he would kiss her. He would make a step forward and take her face in his hands, and then he would put his lips on her and snog her as if there wasn't a tomorrow.
He had that instict, for a split second.
But Kaz couldn't.
And she didn't deserve that. She deserved all the love in the world, for every moment she brought joy to it with her youthful character a bit more. He couldn't give that to Y/n.

He looked down, disappointed in himself.
She noticed. "Kaz..." Y/n said softly, moving closer to him. He made a step back. She stopped. "I really don't know what else to do, or to say." She looked down too. "Where is this supposed to go, Brekker?"
"Nowhere." He answered silently.
"Nowhere?" She reassured herself, her voice turning lower. "Yes."
Y/n scoffed and started biting her lip.
"In that case I will stay away from you. Sorry to bother." She snapped, as she turned to leave.

The moment her hand landed on the doorknob, Kaz opened his mouth.
"It's not that I don't want it." He said.
Y/n didn't turn around to face him. She leaned her forehead against the door and waited for him to continue.
"But I can't. Really. I could never give you what you want. I can't even give that to myself."
She smiled bitterly. "And that is?"

"I couldn't touch you. Not in any way. Maybe what I did gave you wrong hopes for that.
If someone would touch me, I would loose my mind. And really, I would if I could. I want to kiss you and touch you and feel you. The moment I saw you standing in the shower I knew it.
And you don't know what it feels like to fall in love with you. You don't know what it's like when I can't change it. And how could I have you, when I'm always bound to loose the people I care for. How can I have you, when I will cause you such trouble."
Y/n could feel her eyes tear up.
"I only loose my mind when I aint got you.
You don't know what I want, Kaz Brekker.
Because if you would, you'd know that I only want you. And I could live with all the ups and downs. I know I can. It would be worth it."

She finally turned around. Kaz looked like a mess. She had never seen him like that.
He seemed so vulnerable, so honest.
"I can't speak for you. But I've made my decision. I want you, and I would pay every price. You know shit about my needs, and you don't have the right to decide something like this for me. So if you want it, and if I do, I don't see why we won't just try."

They looked each other in the eyes for several moments. In that moment, they had let each other seen what was going on in depths of their souls. Kaz pushed himself away from the table he leaned against and walked over to Y/n.
As close as he could.
And he took off his right glove. Without cutting the eye contact, he carefully placed his hand on her cheek. He could feel his heart beat faster, the panic starting to take over. But Kaz stood still. Listening to her calm breathing, watching her lips trembling, feeling her tears on his hand. She wasn't cold, or lifeless.
Her cheek was warm and soft and she smelled like apples and chocolate and a tiny bit like the cigarettes the Dregs smoked downstairs.

Kaz closed his eyes. She didn't feel like Jordie.
She didn't feel like a corpse. She felt alive, and welcoming and comforting and he could feel the panic leave.
Kaz was proud. Y/n was prouder.
And suddenly they felt as if they had a future.