Grishaverse Oneshot Collection

Love, Kaz {Kaz Brekker}

Summary: Kaz writes a letter to you on your birthday. It's the first and last love letter in his life.

Warnings: Mentions of Death, Spoilers for Crooked Kingdom.

Dear Y/n.
Today is your birthday. You would turn nineteen. Would. You're dead.
And I'm still here, in Ketterdam, the Barrel, the Slat. But without you.
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm actually there anymore, or if I died with you.
I feel dead, numb.

I do what I have to do, but without you it feels meaningless. I should've gave you so much more. I never gave enough, and I knew it, but I was selfish enough to keep you by my side.
I couldn't appreciate you the way you deserved and you accepted it. So, Y/n, you are the reason behind my only real regret. Not loving you as you loved me. Not touching you. Not feeling the heat of your cheeks when you were blushing, not feeling you lips against mine, not brushing through your hair. I never gave you anything like that, and you simply understood it. You gave me space, giving up all that you longed for. I longed for that too. And yet I never overcame my fear. I hate myself for this.

Yesterday Inej asked me if I'm okay. If I remembered that your birthday was around.
I told her that I'm fine, that I forgot it.
I didn't. I could never forget you. Your face is burned into my mind, your voice is in my head, the one that keeps telling me to push forward.
Inej kept urging me to talk to her, I told her to leave. I don't want to talk about you. I can't let them see the war I'm fighting. Now you are, what Jordie is to me too. A ghost from my past.
Once you were my future.
My chance to overcome all the fears, my queen to rule by my side. My hope.

And now you're rotting, buried next to Mathias. Nina said she keeps your grave clean. I should be the one who does it, but I can't. There's the selfishness again. Because it pains me to much to see it. To finally read to words on the stone, the words that claim you as someone who's simply gone and one day forgotten. But today I will see you. I will bring you this letter, to let you hear all the words you deserve to know. All the feelings that I never shared.

I love you, Y/n.

And that won't stop now that you're dead. And if I could turn back time, I would feel you. In any way, I don't care. I would just touch you, no matter how small that may be. And I would give you all the love I got, I would never put on the facade of the Bastard of the Barrel to you, I would simply be Kaz Brekker, vulnerable and in love. I would give you the world.
I'm so, so sorry that I can't.
I will avenge your death, I will do you honour, Y/n. That's a promise.
Just the way it's a promise that I won't forget you. That I won't stop loving you.
That I have given the bare minimum of these feelings that I had to you. That you were the only person I had to give them to.

Love, Kaz