Grishaverse Oneshot Collection

Barrels Godess 2 {Kaz Brekker}

Summary: After Y/n stays for some time, she decides to take a new job. Kaz doesn't want her to leave.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, the plague.

Kaz offered her a room in the Slat. There was no point in hiding Y/n anymore, since the word already went around that they associated with one another. In the past few weeks, Y/n befriended all the Crows. She was charming, as always. That was her way, looking innocent, pretty, pure. That's how she got the people, how she earned her title. But she meant all the nice words she offered to the Crows.
The Slat was surprisingly homey. It felt good, to have a room to return to. A proper bed, warmth, everything she wasn't used to.
Yet, it also settled her in that place. That did not feel good. It scared her, the thought of being stuck somewhere.
Kaz gave her work, he always would. But it felt so wrong, absolutely against her mindset.

So while the Crows adored the seemingly pure woman, she proofed them that she had earned her title of a Saint. On every single mission, she was completely in control. Kaz trusted here more than any of the others, her word mattered as much as his.
She helped him with paperwork, with planning. The Dregs learned to listen to her within a few days.

As Y/n sat on the floor reading, Kaz sat on his desk scribbling down endless numbers.
"Kaz?" She suddenly asked into the calmness, which caused the bastard of the Barrel to look up to her. "Yes?"
"I found work." She told him, so he raised his brow. Kaz knew what that meant. It wasn't the first time, they had this conversation multiple times throughout the years they've known each other. Each time, it was a painful realisation.
"So you intend to leave." "I do." She nodded in agreement. Kaz looked back to the documents before him, only to look up again.
"Why?" He asked.

Y/n shrugged, closing her book.
"Because that's my way." Kaz scoffed.
"You could stay. Everyone loves you, they would be devastated if you would leave again for an eternity. We took you along on missions, we will continue with that. There is work for you here. There's also a room, food. People that care for you. Why do you always leave?"
She smiled at him. Why the hell did she smile at him? Kaz was mad, he wanted her to take this seriously. But she simply smiled, as softly as always. "Why do you never touch anyone?" She asked the counter question and Kaz remained silent.

"There is nothing that scares me more than settling down. Than stripping myself from the ability to leave whenever I feel like it, to go wherever I want. Kaz, you always forget that I've known you your entire life. That I've been there, that I saw Kaz Rietveld and Jordie Rietveld, that I saw both of them die. That I know why you can't endure to be touched. You were there too, when they hit me. When they abused and used me, without giving me a chance to leave. You were there when the plague killed my family, and when I thanked the Saints for that.
You saw the last time I prayed to someone but myself and you heard me promising myself to never depend on anyone but me. To make my freedom my highest value."

Dirtyhands knew she was right. Every door in the entire Barrel, all of Ketterdam, stood open for the Goddess. She would be a fool to give that chance up only to stay by his side. Still, it pained him. She was the only person he fully lend on, trusted. The only one that always had a role in his life, always would.
His counterpart.
He loved her, and if he could, he would admit it. But he was Kaz Brekker, and Kaz Brekker was an unlovable bastard, damaged, broken.
Kaz knew he should just drop the conversation, but he couldn't.

"Have you never even considered to stay?"
He instead asked, causing her gaze to get lost in the nowhere, considering her answer carefully. She was good at lying, keeping the words flow until the story worked out perfectly. It was her backup out of conversations like this one, but it felt wrong and not fair to simply cut him off with untrue words.
"I have. I had many dreams where I got everything I wanted. Where I saw the world, with enough money in my pockets. But when I wake up I instead see you with me. That's when I think that staying won't harm me. I often considered how beautiful it would be to return to a proper home, only to realise that I do. That you mean home to me."

Not only Kaz expression, also his heart dropped. He could feel the air stuck in his throat, trying hard to swallow the lump inside of it. He wanted to touch her, to feel her, to tell her how he returned that feeling. That each time she left, he felt unsteady. How much he needed her by his side to function. But Kaz didn't, and for a brief moment he felt as cowardly as only Kaz Rietveld did.

But Y/n didn't need to hear him say it. One look into his eyes was enough to be certain of all the untold truths. She was for a long time. So was he. They were fully aware of how much they loved each other, but they were both scared of all the things a confession would cause them. Y/n dropped her book to the floor, standing up to walk over to Kaz. He turned in his chair, facing her. Only a few inches separated them. She carefully raised her hand to brush over his face.
Kaz closed his eyes. They did this often. It was a touch he could bear, that didn't scare him. That reminded him that she was there, that she always would be in some way. That he had a home. She held her breath, as Kaz placed his gloved hand over hers, taking it from his cheek to place a soft kiss on her palm.

"I love you, Kaz. So much." She confessed, her voice nothing more than a whisper vanishing in the dark. He swallowed loudly, still holding her hand with his, still having his eyes closed.
"I love you, Y/n. You are the only God I would ever pray to. They only God I believe in, that has ever saved me." Dirtyhands told her, finally opening his eyes to look into hers.
"How often you may leave, every time that you return a home is waiting for you. A room, a bed, friends. I am waiting for you, because without you I'm not complete."

She could feel her eyes tear up. These words took so many years to finally be confessed.
"And I will always return to you. I promise, with all that I have, all that I am, that one day I will be brave enough to stay by your side."
"You always will be by my side."
It was an unspoken 'I promise'.
Because they belonged together, the bastard of the Barrel and the Barrel's Goddess.
The most powerful people in Ketterdam.