HeartBLOOD

Chapter thirty-two

"Hey, Mags.", Alec whispered. It was early in the morning but after waking up from another nightmare, he wasn't able to fall asleep again. "What's up?", his boyfriend replied equally quitely, as they weren't sure if Isabelle was up already. "Awake as well, huh?", Alec sighed, kind of hoping at least one of them would have gotten some solid sleep. "Yeah.", Magnus sighed, "Unfortunately. But it's not as untypical for me as it is for you- what's the deal?" "I don't know.", Alec sighed, "I woke up because of that nightmare and then I just couldn't fall asleep anymore. It all seemed so uncomfortable and my knee started aching and then I started thinking about it and it all just went downhill. When will this stop, Magnus? I need it to stop." "Hey, it's going to be alright.", Magnus whispered and laid his arms around him. "But what if it won't?", Alec asked, "What if it all won't turn out to be alright? I can't keep worrying about everything anymore, it's eating me alive. But still, I can't make it stop. All the thoughts in my head keep going in circles, I keep thinking about all the what-ifs, all the possibilities and worst case scenarios. I'm tired of thinking, Magnus. I am tired of worrying." "You have nothing to worry about, Alec.", Magnus whispered, very well knowing that was a lie. "I wish.", Alec scoffed and freed himself from Magnus' grip. "Hey, don't push me away, okay? I know things are tough right now, but they are for everyone. It's times where you think the next blow of wind will knock you off your feet that challenge you to tighten your grip on the people around you." Slowly, Alec turned back around and looked Magnus in the face:" I can't do it, Mags. It feels like I am trapped in this carousel of thoughts that keeps spinning in circles. Maybe the fire gave me the last push into the direction I was always supposed to go into. Maybe this world just isn't for me." "I don't understand?", Magnus stuttered. "Nobody can.", Alec whispered, swallowing hard, "Nobody can understand what it's like to be me, Mags. I have always had tendencies to expect the worst, but it had never been as hard to resist as it is now. And I don't think this is the type of person the dance world is cut out for. Maybe it's because of the way I grew up, I don't know and I don't want to know. But I'm not only the pessimistic one, I'm also the gay guy and I swear I can't be the disabled dude as well. I just can't Magnus. So maybe I should take the hint and step back." "What are you talking about? You can't quit dance!", Magnus replied but Alec shook his head:" I can't. That's the issue, it would be best for me, but I can't because I love it so much. But it's destroying me, physically and mentally. I'm in-between, I can't let go, but I know that if I won't, I'll destroy myself, if not with my actions then with my thoughts." "Alec, you're a fantastic dancer. And yes, you see the world a bit darker than most people, but that doesn't mean your soul doesn't shine as brightly as the other dancer's." "You're not listening, Magnus.", ALec answered, "I can't keep comparing myself to everyone around me, but that is what this industry is about. I don't have Jonathans strength, or your flexibility, or Raphaels artistry. I am not as great of a turner as Simon was, I don't have Maias control or Camille's expressions. All of you have something you're known for, something you're best at, something that you're known for. All I am known for is being the gay guy and the dude that can't fix his damned leg. I'm a good dancer, I might even be an amazing dancer, but I'm not exceptional. I'm not special, not special enough to make up for my deficits. And I don't think I can take the pressure for any longer." "Alec, you have no deficits to make up for!", Magnus exclaimed and reached for Alec's hand, but he flinched. "Of course I do, have you seen me? I'm a mess, physically and mentally, and it shows." "No you're not.", Magnus whispered, his eyes filling up with tears, "You have come so far, you have developed so much! You opened up, you're getting so good at accepting help, all those dificulties you had, you're finally overcoming them. You might not be there yet, but you're so close. And that character development is something you can be so proud of. You are determined, passionate, dedicated, disciplined- you have a dancer's will, a dancer's mind and a dancer's heart. That's all that matters." "It's not what the companies are looking for primerialy. They look at the dancers report, see the schools they've gone to, the letters of recommendation. And even if I get in, how long will I be able to hide my weaknesses? How long until they find out I go throught five ice packs a day and on some days can barely walk without pain meds? And how will they feel about that, huh?" "Maybe that's not going to be an issue anymore, then...", Magnus started to answer, but Alec interrupted him immediately:" It has been two years, Magnus. The damage is permanent, I don't believe there's anything that can cure it." "Don't give up hope!", Magnus replied, "It's not over yet. Besides, despite that handicap, you are incredible. And every time it knocks you down, you get back up stronger." "But I don't know how many more times I'll be able to. Maybe it's time to take the hint. Maybe this all was not worth it and it's time to cut the losses.", Alec whispered, unable to look his boyfriend into the eyes. "You don't cut the losses on something you love, ALec. If you love someone, you fight for that person. Do you love me?" "I do.", Alec replied quietly. "Then I know you love dance even more. And our relationship has never been easy, but everytime you came back and fought for it. Fight for dance as much as you did for us, Alec. You only get one true passion, as well as one true love, and when you do, you can't let that go. Ever."

Hello beautiful people! Well this didn't go as planned, but I'm trying to bring awareness to certain topics here as well as to the character development of Alec. Whether you see the psychology behind it or not, I hope you maybe learned a few lessons for your own life. Hope you enjoyed the insight into Alec, we'll continue with the plot soon! Also sorry for not updating regularly atm, i don't even know what's the deal with me atm but I am trying my best and really appreciate the support. I love you loads, stay safe and drop any scene requests or questions into the comments- I am happy to give you insight into aspects you are interested in!

XOXO, AllyMaii