HeartBLOOD

Chapter thirty-three

Hope. Hope to get better, to recover, for things to change. Hope for forgiveness, for a light at the end of the tunnel, hope for love and friendship, hope for affection and warmth. You hope for all sorts of things, some people hope for good grades whilst others hope for freedom. Magnus hoped for this nightmare to be over soon. But hoping and getting disappointed over and over again was not what he pictured recovery to look like. Recovery was a process, it was a road with no destination, a stony pathway leading up. And sometimes you would fall, cut yourself on the pebbles of the ground, and maybe you'll sit for a few minutes, or in reality a few weeks before you get back up and slowly, carefully start moving into the direction you were supposed to go. Recovery was getting knocked down but feeling like it was easier to get up with each time you did. Recovery was the pain that you started falling in love with, like the cuts that got itchy when the skin started healing. Recovery was uncomfortable in the most comforting way. Recovery was different for everyone, there was no right way to recover and no tips you could universally give. If you wanted to recover, you needed to find your own way, try, fail, get up again, try a different way. Magnus' recovery was smooth until the walls of rocks to his sides came crumbling down onto him, crushing is bones. Moments like these. Magnus had gone to the bathroom, as Alec had finally managed to fall asleep and he didn't want to wake him from his nap. Hot tears ran down his face, getting soaked up by the collar of his shirt- he was dead. Just like that, Simon was dead. And it could have been anyone. It could have been him, it could have been Raphael, or Maia, or Alec. It could have been Camille, Aline, Jonathan. They all survived, all by chance. Magnus loved to believe in some sort of universal superpower that would ensure everyone was going to get what they deserved. He liked the idea of something making sure that everything was going to fall into place, it was his motivation to try to be as good of a person as possible every day, over and over again. This theory has been proven wrong millions of times already, but it has never hurt as much as it did this time. If Alec was to come to the bathroom and ask him what his problem was he would have had no idea of what to say- he didn't know. There wasn't that one thing responsible for his grief, his feelings, all his worries. Usually, he was fine. Every day, he was fine, he was okay. Lately it has been hard for everyone, but looking at Isabelle and mainly Alec, each time he realized they were struggling more than he did. They had more reason, too. Him, he was lucky- he wasn't even in the fire, and Simon hasn't been one of his closest friends. He got away with a few scratches, and he managed to carry on most days but some days, all that grief he had been passing by came crushing over him, completely overwhelming him like a wave of pain, a tsunami of emotion, knocking him off his feet. And in moments like these he felt as helpless as ever. He wanted to keep it together so bad, an usually it was so easy for him to, but sometimes, out of nowhere he got caught up in the hurricane around him and it hit him. He had not seen Alec properly cry those past weeks, he didn't show too much emotion on a daily basis. Usually, his boyfriend seemed numb, distanced from the world, almost disoriented. This had pulled the very ground he stood on away under his feet, and you could tell he was struggling and as devastated as he was desperate, but he never broke down. He could always function. Not Magnus, though. He was okay most days, but when he wasn't he couldn't function. He was a wreck, an organism of flesh held together by tears, nothing you could make any use of. Despite his efforts to calm himself down, the tears kept running, his heart kept pounding, he kept sweating. What was this, even? Why couldn't he function? Why couldn't he shut down his emotions like Alec did when he knew he was not strong enough to cope with them just yet? Another wave of pain, coming deep from his heart ran over him and sent shivers down his spine. Heavily breaking, he slid down the wall and the the cold marble floor cool his back.

"Magnus?", he heard a whisper- a female one. Without him replying, Isabelle walked in- she must have just gotten home as she was still wearing her red woolen coat and high heeled boots. "Hey!", she sighed with a weak smile and dropped her bag before wiping some off the tears from his face. Her hands were cold from the early spring weather outside, the fingertips gentle and soft unlike Alec's. But both carried the same grace, the same comfort and care in their touch. Magnus took another glance at her, but he knew if he tried to say anything, his voice was going to give out on him anyways, so there was no point in trying. Too tired to hold them back, another rush of tears ruined all her efforts, quietly he kept sobbing, ashamed but too exhausted to care. "It's okay- me too.", Isabelle whispered and shut the door behind them before lying down onto the ground next to Magnus, only their shoulders touching. And without another word, a tear escaped her eye and took some of her mascara with it before it dropped off the side of her face, leaving a gray trace as beautifully ugly as the scars this was going to leave on their hearts.

Hello beautiful people- Well, this was more of an emotion dump than a chapter, but I think it's important for you to get some insight into all the characters as well as their relations to each other. And please remember: Your emotions are valid. You don't have to compare your trauma to anyone else's, neither do you with your coping mechanisms. Everyone deals with grief differently, be kind to each other- just because they go through the same experience differently, that doesn't mean one of you is superior. We're all equal in pain. Just a little message.

XOXO, AllyMaii