HeartBLOOD

Chapter thirty

Ice cold water ran down Alec's back, but he didn't feel a sting. As a wave of exhaustion overcame him, he sat down in the shower and wrapped his arms around his legs, the marble flooring cool against his skin. Alec had lost any feeling for time and place. He had no clue for how long he has been in the shower- it could have been minutes, it could have been hours. He had no idea when he woke up this morning, no clue when he was going to go to bed. Alec didn't know when he last ate, not because he didn't, but because it was no significant part of his day. Nothing was significant. Alec felt like a feather floating on the ocean's surface, being washed away in unknown directions, taken up by some waves, crashing against the cliffs, slowly but steadily soaking itself with water until it would be too heavy and sink into the deep blue. It has been three days at Isabelle's, but he had no idea of what happened during those three days. Alec had never felt so lost in his entire life. Whenever he dared to look back, all he saw were ashes, loss and destruction. And when he looked forwards, he saw nothing but pitch black uncertainty, a future he was feared of getting to know. And this moment was a chaos of wild nothing, held together by the memory of the life he once lived, justified with the dream he once had. But now, he had nothing. No plan, no backup, no perspective, no schedule. When all the walls around you come tumbling down and all you have left are the crumbs of what you once called your daily life, then you stand in the war of life unarmed. And hanging on by memories and dreams is like bringing a knife to a gun fight- better than nothing, but you wouldn't survive anyways. You couldn't. Wiping the water from his face, Alec looked at himself, his big thighs, bruised feet and scratched arms, he looked at the body of a dancer. But he has never felt like less of a dancer. Drowning in his tsunami of thoughts, he began picking at the tape on his right knee. It was fresh tape, they put new one on at the hospital. Unconsciously, he began peeling it off further and further. Maybe this wasn't the job for him. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, he thought. Maybe it was time to cut the losses, maybe the risks were too great. He had heard of that happening to athletes that had suffered major injuries or abuse- one day, they realized that maybe what used to be their biggest dream might as well be their greatest nightmare. But those people, so Alec heard, they cried and screamed and panicked as they watched their world crumble down to pieces. But that had already happened, anyways. sticking the peeled off tape to the shower floor, Alec remembered how he felt the weeks after his injury- he had never felt as scared and devastated as he did there. But now, years later, he had panicked about the same thing so many times that suddenly, it didn't matter anymore. Suddenly, he felt neither horror nor fear, he felt nothing at all. It wasn't like it used to be, no tornado in his heard scattering his feelings all over the place, no, it felt more like an icy breeze, freezing everything into place and numbing the slightest bit of panic that arose. Maybe a career in dance wasn't what it was supposed to be, maybe he should start listening to the countless signals. And even that thought, even the thought of never dancing another dance didn't change a thing about how he felt. When he had fist spoken to the doctor about the surgery, the doctor said that one day Alec would come to peace with his fate and accept it for what it is. But this wasn't peace, this was cold war. It was surrender more than it was acceptance. And it was not his decision, it was nobody's decision but the greater power's, that ripped Simon out of their lives. Simon. His heart didn't contract, didn't spasm in pain when he thought of him. Suddenly, he feared the funeral- what if he wasn't going to be able to cry? What if he wouldn't have to say anything about Simon? What if he couldn't even do him that one, last honor? What if he'd manage to disappoint even the dead?

A shiver ran down Alec's spine as he left the bathroom. Still, he had no idea of how long he had been in there. He had no routine, no plan to stick to, so, the time he spent in the shower didn't matter anyways, did it? Train, eat, sleep, repeat, that was what it used to be. Now- well: Nothing, a little bit less than nothing, drowning in nothing, nothing saving you. Nothing. Magnus was grocery shopping and Isabelle murmured something about having to return some heels to the agency last night. It wasn't like it mattered whether Alec was alone, anyways. With a sigh, he picked up his phone and scrolled through his messages- most of them were random, nothing worth dealing with. One message drew Alec's attention back to his phone, though- it was by Alyssa:

Hey, Alec, I hope you and everyone else are as okay as it gets. My condolences and best recovery wishes- I hope to see you again soon, in case you decide to return to NYABM. Just know that the dance world is not the same without you in it. X, Alyssa and Piper

For a second, a flicker of a warm feeling lit up in his chest- as if she had known which buttons to press.

We'll be alright- thank you.

Alec replied. He thought of adding something concerning the second half of the message, but he decided not to. He was not going to make any promises that he didn't end up keeping. What was the worth of a promise, anyways, if the entire world could go up in flames in the blink of an eye.