HeartBLOOD

Chapter sixty

It was four in the morning, and his alarm had ripped Alec out of his dreams. Motionless, he laid on his bed, looking at the ceiling, falling deeper into his pitch-black hole. He didnt have to get up to know that something was wrong. More precisely, he knew what was wrong already. He was sweating and exhausted, feeling a burning pain in his knee, his entire leg tingling in agony. It was about time, he figured, of course it had to happen sometime. His doctor had warned him- even with the meds, he wasnt invincible, and flareups could occur. The timing just was incredibly bad- with his senior performance approaching and the BDA competition being right around the corner, his body truly couldnt have picked a worse time to give out on him. Closing his eyes, Alec took a couple of deep breaths- he didnt want to get up. He didnt want to know how bad it was. All he wanted was to fall back asleep and wake up whenever this was going to be over. Gathering all his strength, he sat up on the couch, carefully placing his feet on the floor, realizing that just bending his knee made him wince in pain, knowing that straightening it was always worse. Sitting, he steadied his elbows on his thighs, burying his face in his hands- not now. He couldnt let all the people counting on him down. He couldnt let himself down. For the first time ever since the fire, he had finally been busy again. He had been working, occupied, training, getting back into shape, improving as a dancer, becoming himself again. And just as things were starting to work out for him, of course, this had to happen. Running his hands through his hair a couple of times, he inhaled and got up, his joint snapping into position, pain shooting up his leg.

Fuck., he groaned quietly, holding his knee whilst looking around the room, trying to find something to brace himself on. Every step hurt, like a dagger through his leg. It was always worse in the mornings, but he knew that he wouldnt be able to dance. Not with a leg like that. Being left no other choice than to cancel, he limped to the kitchen to take his meds and the stronger painkillers he had- he needed to go to BDA today, no matter what it took. Taking a deep breath, he rolled up his sweatpants to uncover his swollen joint before propping his leg up onto a chair and getting a cortisone injection ready. Lately, he had been doing them at home whenever he felt like he needed one, and today was definitely one of those days. Barely even feeling the needle, he pushed the fluid into his knee before pulling it out and putting a small plaster on. With a groan, he bent down and grabbed an icepack out of the fridge before carefully limping back to the sofa to lie down. Hoping for it to make the swelling do down, he put a pillow under the affected joint, easing a bit of the tension in his knee before putting the icepack on top of it. Grabbing his phone, he texted Maia- he knew she wouldnt be happy about it, but there was just no way he could train today. He hated that she couldnt rely on him, but even more than that, he hated that he couldnt rely on himself.

Mentally crossing off all of his workout plans, he put his alarm to eight am- at least he was going to get some sleep. With his schedule, he definitely needed it- all he did was run around between NYABM, BDA, the gym and Izzys apartment, which had been more exhausting than expected. Not even waiting for a reply from Maia, he fell back into a deep sleep, swallowed by fear and pitch-black bitterness.

***

Waking up again, he felt a bit better- still exhausted but at least not sweating, he struggled out of bed. The icepack had warmed up, so he put it back into the fridge. Only now did he manage to take another look at his phone- two new messages. One from Maia, wishing him to get better soon, and his every day good morning text from Magnus. With a sigh, he texted him back- though he didnt want to, he had to let him know about what was going on. Trying not to worry him too much, he added a pathetic Ill be okay, tho to his explanation before sending it.

Finding some bagels in Isabelles fridge, he made himself breakfast and watched the city. The streets were busy, buzzing with people going to work, running errands, dropping off kids. Looking at the clock, he realized that NYABM rehearsal had started two hours ago- he was supposed to be at work, too. But he knew better now. He knew better than to numb the feelings and pretend that they werent there. At least, he tried to know better, but it was as hard as ever. And the most frustrating thing had been the fact that he had tried so hard to look after himself. He tried to warm up, pay attention to his technique, avoid jumps, ice as often as possible, do his physio exercises, take his meds. Despite side effects, despite struggles, despite everything, for the first time in his life he had tried as hard as he could to prioritize himself, but even that apparently hadnt been enough.

Hey!, he heard Isabelle behind him, obviously confused by the fact that he was still at home.

Hey., he smiled, turning around in his chair, his face saying more than a hundred words.

Is it bad?, she asked, knowing exactly what both of them were thinking.

Pretty bad., Alec sighed in response, biting his lip- he wasnt going to be able to hide it, anyways.

Im sorry., she said, giving him a hug from behind.

Dont be., Alec exhaled, Theres nothing you can do about it. A pity party wont make it better.

Sometimes its very valid to have a little pity party for yourself., Isabelle answered, stroking his upper arms with her hands, I wouldnt want to be you, right now.

Trust me, I dont want to be me, either., Alec chuckled, still staring at the view, But, sadly, we dont get to pick.